I guess neglect could be considered a form of abuse.

And I feel really bad for neglecting my blog, or whatever this is. I feel that it stems from a lack of expression or form of expression.

I know my more early entries seemed very melancholic, but for now, I am happy. Stressed - but happy.

Writings on the Wall

"In love with life. In life for love."

I found it scribbled in one of the stalls of the ladies room in the Technology and Enhanced Learning Building on campus. I wish I had a DSLR to take a picture of this.

Swag is not about what you wear, but how you wear it.

After recent criticism I've gotten on my clothing, I've realized that fashion is also about making mistakes. It's taken garments and pieces of clothing and making it work. Just because one person wouldn't wear it, it doesn't mean it's not beautiful.

My point is: I like my white dress. Regardless of whether or not you like it.

Some kind of wonderful.

It doesn't matter if it's raining outside. Things are finally starting to look up. The pieces of those things that fell apart are finally falling into place. When the time is right, everything just works out on its own. It was a hard lesson learnt, but it was worth every struggle. As much as the sun may shine, the sun isn't here to stay forever. We will always have rain. As sad as the sky may seem, the rain gives life to the things that need it to grow. There's always a lesson to be learned and peace to be found after every struggle faced.

Messages 88 through 90.

"Thanks for another amazing time with you. I hope you really realize how much I care for you, cause the truth is, it grows everyday and I can barely keep up. You are my darling and everytime I smile, for whatever reason or through whatever I'm going, you are what I see smiling with me. You are what I smile for... Goodnight baby :)"

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I stumbled across this one night. It's both a beautiful and heartbreaking read. I wish someone wrote to me this way with a strong certitude in every single word because sometimes it's not enough to just say something. You have to mean it.

Here's to a clean room and a fresh mind.

It is true that one's room is a reflection of themselves. My room is disheveled and unorganized - story of my life. Yet here I am spending so much time into fixing it and so much thought into how it should be organized - the other story of my life. It makes me wonder about how much time, thought and effort I put into myself and other aspects of my life.

Rich Tree

After dinner, we go on a walk outside just as we did three years prior. He and I walk hand in hand with our fingers intertwined, undisturbed by the frigid air. We near the alternate entrance to the restaurant and stop in front of the doors. He pulls me into his arms as I draw mine around his neck. He lays his hand softly against my face lightly stroking my cheek with his thumb. I close my eyes as I let the pleasure of his caress take over me. I move forward as he drops his head and I angle my face to complement his. Our lips meet for a few brief moments in a delicate kiss. I move my right hand to the back of his head to draw him near. Standing on my tip toes, I whisper in his ear, "Happy anniversary. I love you." "And I love you," he says as he responds with by meeting my lips with another kiss.

As we settle in back into the car, the heat is turned on full blast and the radio is set to a jazz station but is nearly inaudible. When he decides our hands are warm enough, he asks me to retrieve something from the glovebox. I open the glovebox to find a little package poorly wrapped in a foil finish wrapping paper. "Is this it? Nice wrapping," I jokingly say. "Shut up," he says, "Open it. It's my anniversary present to you."
"Aw, Babe! You didn't have to get me anything! Now I feel like a douche bag... I didn't get you anything. Thanks."
"I know I didn't have to get you anything, but I wanted too. Douche bag. Hurry and open it!"
"I will! Stop telling me what to do! What is it?"
"Open it and find out."

I stare at the lightweight package resting in my hands and begin tearing at the wrapping paper. His face turns anxious as he waits in anticipation while I take my precious time opening the gift. As the wrapping paper comes off, an airline symbol catches my eye. Plane tickets. I open the flap to reveal two roundtrip plane tickets to France. I sit there frozen, unable to move.
"So... will you come to France with me?" he asks.
"Of course I'll go with you to France!" I reply, throwing my arms around him. I lean over to kiss him and our lips move in synchronicity, opening and giving way so that he's able to slide his tongue inside my mouth. Fighting the urge to continue making out in the underground parking lot, he pulls his face a few centimeters away from mine and says, "Happy anniversary. What do you say we get out of here? We have a plane to catch in the morning."
"Morning?"
"Yep. Our flight leaves tomorrow, which means you have to finish packing!"
"Alright, let's get out of here." With my hormones raging inside of me, I half smile and say in my sultry-I-want-you voice, "By the way, I lied. I do have a little gift for you... but you'll have to wait `til we get home."

Nous étions la bougie dans le vent.

The passion was strong.
The flame burned intensely.
And then the wick was gone.
No spark could exist.
The flame is not destined to reignite.
So I moved on.
To the next candle.

Sometimes, I wish I could just scream.

...FML.

You seem to really have had a hold on me.

We are always blind in the beginning. You were no good for me but you were so good to me. You were the unbecoming cigarette in my hand and yet, I was addicted. I fought so hard to be with you like you were going out of style. The day my supply ran out, as difficult as it was, I was forced to live without you - the way it should have been since February. Quitting you cold turkey was difficult, but now I know it was for the best. I was never truly myself because I somehow felt like I couldn't be. That if I didn't I fit into your mould, I would be no good. When I no longer felt the pressure to be someone I'm not, I began to redefine myself and break myself from the mould after trying so hard to conform to it.

I'm different now. And in a better place. So, I just wanted to take this time to say, thank you.

Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France...

Amazing movie.

A promise to work harder, be wiser and to never strive for less than best.

Motivation is hard to keep. I've gone through this before, and I always say I'll change my ways, but every single time, nothing changes. Always searching for an excuse to excuse myself from studying. It occurs every night before the day of an exam. Excessive coffee. Scarcity of sleep. When that paper is staring me in the face, my heart palpitates it might as well exit my chest. That's when I plan to change but slacking is too enticing an idea. Procrastination begins to take hold and I'm right back where I started.

This time, I know it will be okay. God always takes care of me as long as I am willing to take care of myself. Once this week is over, rest will come. When that week of rest has reached the end, I will make the changes I've longed for for so long will come to fruition. I've changed so much this past year, this habit is no exception to that rule.

People are like rivers. Always flowing. When faced with an obstacle, we overcome and seek a new path or direction. And we are always changing. You can never step in the same water twice.

Green tea with roasted rice is one of my favorite teas.

I find that it is best enjoyed with sushi and people who inspire laughter.

...

I've said this a hundred times over, but I will not buy anymore clothing until I've become most comfortable with the shape of my body. My "workout" routine will begin on Monday August 31st, 2009. To further motivate myself, I'm going to blog about it in a separate blog apart from this one. I'd really like to finish my room prior to working out.

In the mean time... I'm just going to continue experimenting with hair and make-up. I have the patience for neither, so it will be somewhat of a challenge. The more challenging part is making it a daily routine. We'll see how things work out.

My finals are during this upcoming week. I must really focus. But focusing is so hard to do.

...

Dear Barry,

Thank you so much for your comments and taking the time to read my blog. I'm especially appreciative of your comment on one of my earlier blogs in regards to forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words!

R.

I still can't believe you found somebody new. But I wish you the best, I guess.

Four months later and your memories still haunt me in my sleep.

...

He pulls up into my driveway in the dead of night and runs up the stairs of the porch to meet me. Again, he explains why we're not and why we can't be together as if to open up the wounds I've been trying so hard to close. There's only so much of it I need reiterated. Retort after retort escalates my emotions. Anger is building up inside of me and just begins pouring out of my mouth in the form of words. We fight and we argue until I can't stand his presence.

I'm standing on the porch watching him get into his car. The Volvo's engine comes to life and he quickly speeds out of my driveway. He's left me so many times already, you'd think I'd be use to it by now, but I'm not. The street becomes quiet. A little too quiet. He's gone. I turn to enter the house and I hear another car driving by. I pivot my head sideways as the sounds grows stronger. His silver Volvo is back in the driveway.

"I can't do it," he says. "I can't leave you again." He stares deeply into my eyes, but it's a trick that has long lost it's charm. He grabs me by the arms and pulls me closer. He tells me that he misses me - how he's always missed me. That leaving me was a mistake and an even bigger mistake that he left me for her. That even though he tried to forget me, he couldn't. That he never really meant to hurt me and was really just trying to give me time to grow. Lies. As intoxicating as they have been to hear, that's all they were.

I took a step a back and held him at arms length away.

"If you had meant anything you ever told me, you wouldn't have done what you did."

There he was. The only man I wanted to be with asking me to take him back. Tears begin filling my eyes. As much as I want(ed) to be with him, there is no second chance. Not in his case. I'm standing on my porch staring into the face of the person who meant so much to me and just took it for granted. His hazy silhouette bathed in the moonlight was the last of him I saw before waking up.

We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go.

Last night, I went to Casino Rama to watch John Legend with a friend. He's such a good performer! I love that he sings with so much soul and conviction. I fell in love with some of his songs last night - the ones that really tug on my heart strings.

This being one of them...