Nous étions la bougie dans le vent.

The passion was strong.
The flame burned intensely.
And then the wick was gone.
No spark could exist.
The flame is not destined to reignite.
So I moved on.
To the next candle.

Sometimes, I wish I could just scream.

...FML.

You seem to really have had a hold on me.

We are always blind in the beginning. You were no good for me but you were so good to me. You were the unbecoming cigarette in my hand and yet, I was addicted. I fought so hard to be with you like you were going out of style. The day my supply ran out, as difficult as it was, I was forced to live without you - the way it should have been since February. Quitting you cold turkey was difficult, but now I know it was for the best. I was never truly myself because I somehow felt like I couldn't be. That if I didn't I fit into your mould, I would be no good. When I no longer felt the pressure to be someone I'm not, I began to redefine myself and break myself from the mould after trying so hard to conform to it.

I'm different now. And in a better place. So, I just wanted to take this time to say, thank you.

Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France...

Amazing movie.

A promise to work harder, be wiser and to never strive for less than best.

Motivation is hard to keep. I've gone through this before, and I always say I'll change my ways, but every single time, nothing changes. Always searching for an excuse to excuse myself from studying. It occurs every night before the day of an exam. Excessive coffee. Scarcity of sleep. When that paper is staring me in the face, my heart palpitates it might as well exit my chest. That's when I plan to change but slacking is too enticing an idea. Procrastination begins to take hold and I'm right back where I started.

This time, I know it will be okay. God always takes care of me as long as I am willing to take care of myself. Once this week is over, rest will come. When that week of rest has reached the end, I will make the changes I've longed for for so long will come to fruition. I've changed so much this past year, this habit is no exception to that rule.

People are like rivers. Always flowing. When faced with an obstacle, we overcome and seek a new path or direction. And we are always changing. You can never step in the same water twice.

Green tea with roasted rice is one of my favorite teas.

I find that it is best enjoyed with sushi and people who inspire laughter.

...

I've said this a hundred times over, but I will not buy anymore clothing until I've become most comfortable with the shape of my body. My "workout" routine will begin on Monday August 31st, 2009. To further motivate myself, I'm going to blog about it in a separate blog apart from this one. I'd really like to finish my room prior to working out.

In the mean time... I'm just going to continue experimenting with hair and make-up. I have the patience for neither, so it will be somewhat of a challenge. The more challenging part is making it a daily routine. We'll see how things work out.

My finals are during this upcoming week. I must really focus. But focusing is so hard to do.

...

Dear Barry,

Thank you so much for your comments and taking the time to read my blog. I'm especially appreciative of your comment on one of my earlier blogs in regards to forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words!

R.

I still can't believe you found somebody new. But I wish you the best, I guess.

Four months later and your memories still haunt me in my sleep.

...

He pulls up into my driveway in the dead of night and runs up the stairs of the porch to meet me. Again, he explains why we're not and why we can't be together as if to open up the wounds I've been trying so hard to close. There's only so much of it I need reiterated. Retort after retort escalates my emotions. Anger is building up inside of me and just begins pouring out of my mouth in the form of words. We fight and we argue until I can't stand his presence.

I'm standing on the porch watching him get into his car. The Volvo's engine comes to life and he quickly speeds out of my driveway. He's left me so many times already, you'd think I'd be use to it by now, but I'm not. The street becomes quiet. A little too quiet. He's gone. I turn to enter the house and I hear another car driving by. I pivot my head sideways as the sounds grows stronger. His silver Volvo is back in the driveway.

"I can't do it," he says. "I can't leave you again." He stares deeply into my eyes, but it's a trick that has long lost it's charm. He grabs me by the arms and pulls me closer. He tells me that he misses me - how he's always missed me. That leaving me was a mistake and an even bigger mistake that he left me for her. That even though he tried to forget me, he couldn't. That he never really meant to hurt me and was really just trying to give me time to grow. Lies. As intoxicating as they have been to hear, that's all they were.

I took a step a back and held him at arms length away.

"If you had meant anything you ever told me, you wouldn't have done what you did."

There he was. The only man I wanted to be with asking me to take him back. Tears begin filling my eyes. As much as I want(ed) to be with him, there is no second chance. Not in his case. I'm standing on my porch staring into the face of the person who meant so much to me and just took it for granted. His hazy silhouette bathed in the moonlight was the last of him I saw before waking up.

We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go.

Last night, I went to Casino Rama to watch John Legend with a friend. He's such a good performer! I love that he sings with so much soul and conviction. I fell in love with some of his songs last night - the ones that really tug on my heart strings.

This being one of them...

The reckoner hits.

Doing bad things creates a heavy conscience. After coming clean to several people, I've come to realize that I did what I did because, although it doesn't make me feel any better about myself, I feel like it's my own sick and twisted way of getting back at the world.

Impossible seems to be the appropriate word when describing the chances of pleasing everyone. One person always ends up being disappointed even though you've done the best you could. I learned this the hard way last night. It's still eating at me. I feel like such a jerk. I am a jerk. And I apologize for it.

I'm sorry.

She likes to spend her money on frivolous things.

After yesterday's lack of events and excess of grief, my younger cousin and brother decided that we should get out of the house for a little bit. I decided they were right and got ready to head on out after creating a new resume.

I bought a low v-neck cut, satin gray form fitting dress that's tiered at the front. Hopefully the dress still fits my form in September, otherwise I'll have to find some way to shrink it. It looks sexy when paired with my cropped Armani jacket. I just need black or white biker gloves (preferably black) to complete the outfit.

I don't want to spend any more money on clothing until I've reached my desired size. I've said this a million times over, but this time I hope to stick to it.

It's true what they say about closure. Or lack thereof.

In the morning, he's in my dream. Explaining to me over and over again why we're not together. Excuse after excuse. I've always tried to be understanding, but this is something I will never truly understand. I awoke in tears for the second time in one month.

By the afternoon, I witness him holding her face in his hands. I use to love it when he held my face that way. There was no space between us and I'd get lost in his deep brown eyes.

Evening came and I still suffered from the stings of rejection. Of being replaced so quickly. I don't know what hurts the most, but that reason has to be among the top three. I know I said I wouldn't shed any more tears over this, but there I was doing just that.

Two hours ago, I receive a text from Amanda and I feel a little better. She's right. It's not worth my time.

"Attention Deficit Disorder can be cured."

"Attention Deficit Disorder is bullshit and anyone that "has it" should be shot. You have a kid that misbehaves? Smack the little shit up side the head and tell him to shut up. I'm tired of all these pussy parents that are afraid to discipline their kids.

There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character.

All seriousness aside, the real reason ADD exists is because executives at pharmaceutical companies need to make their Lexus payments. Companies that produce Ritalin, Dexedrin and Cylert make billions of dollars every year selling their shit to lazy/irresponsible parents that want an excuse for letting their kids become the stupid, obnoxious, spoiled bratts that they're growing up to be. When I was a kid, all my parents gave me was a brick to play with. If I complained about the brick, my dad would drop kick me in the throat and I'd realize how ungrateful I was being.

I bet all those wimps diagnosed with ADD when they were kids are the same dipshits that still pay with checks in grocery stores. NOBODY PAYS WITH CHECKS ANYMORE. Get out of the stone ages. Seriously. People that pay with checks drive me up the wall. Might as well pay with foreign currency. Some old lady was paying with a check while I was in line at the grocery store the other day, so I dislocated her hip. Old lady had nothing on me, I kick ass!"

From the blog of 808 Gonzo.

I am your unfinished song and we'll never have that strawberry kiss.

That song. I'll never be able to hear you play it, will I? There can be no final product. It's still incomplete. Maybe it's best left that way. After all, you've found a new melody.

"Since hate troubles the soul, do not cherish jealousy. Avoid people who make you unhappy."

I've just finished deactivating my Facebook again. It's a temporary hiatus I think I strongly need. You see too much of things you don't want to see. You learn to much of things you wish you didn't know.

I've always disliked how I was told that I should dress better or look prettier. That it wasn't because I didn't look good, but because I didn't look great. I disliked how I was told that perhaps I just needed to wear more eyeshadow or a little more eyeliner and some blush to contour my cheekbones.

At the time, I didn't wear a lot of make up because I found it tedious and I enjoyed walking around with the little amount I had on. I didn't want to begin feeling that I need make up in order to be beautiful. Nor did I dress to the 9's each single time I went out. If an occasion called for it, I would dress a little better than I normally would. I didn't feel that one's outward appearance was necessarily a reflection of themselves. It could have been a reflection of a part of themselves, like who they are or how they feel on a lazy day or when the sun is shining it outside, but not the person in their entirety.

If you meet me on a good day, chances are, I'll look better than I would on a day where the sky is gray or if I just came back from the gym. This is why first impressions are always almost false. There is what you think, what people want you to think and reality.

I've really been trying to change. By change I mean finding my own style and working with what I have. With that said, I'd just like to point out that I'm not defined by what I own or what I wear. These changes are not a consequence of earlier putdowns, but a step forward in who I am. I'm still searching for myself but I'm very close to finding her.

Who I was a couple of months ago is different from who I am today. Yes, it took me a while to get here, but here I am. From here, it'll only get better.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I've become the person you wanted me to be, but who I wasn't, until now. I like her and I think you would have too, but your patience just couldn't afford to wait.

Seasons change.

It hasn't even been a year and I'm already done with the late night party scene. It was fun while it lasted, but I wouldn't come crawling back. Unless it's a birthday, a party that will definitely be banging, a special event, or I'm going with a group of friends I haven't gone with yet, I'll probably turn the invitation down. You must be pretty damn special in my books if I don't. Hanging out with a group of friends, having a drink or two and just watching a movie that makes you laugh until you can't breathe is far superior, I think.

Grandmothers.

Today, while driving home, I realized how much I really love my Lola. She is the last grandparent I have here on earth. I've only every known two of my grandparents, one of whom passed away several years ago, and I love both of them very deeply.

I want to travel back to the Philippines just to spend time with my Lola Lourdes. I miss her a lot and I don't know how much time she has left here (knock on wood!). I'd also like to spend some time at Inay's resting place since I never made it to her funeral. Let's put it this way: If I had to choose between France and traveling to the Philippines just to spend time with my grandmother(s), I'd forgo France in a heartbeat.

I sometimes feel as if I've loved my grandparents more than my own parents and I don't know why. I hope that someday, my children will be able to love my parents more than I ever have and make them happy in the ways that I never did.

Life begins.

"Life is too short to wake up in the mornings with regrets. So love the ones who treat you right, forget the ones who don’t. Remember that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life, then let it. No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

You're going to love me.

Fear is paralyzing me. I want to feel, but I don't want to feel the hurt. They offer no compromise. They offer no promise and no guarantee. If we want to feel, we must be willing to feel everything.

For the first time in what seemed to be forever, I'm finally regaining the ability to see myself with someone.

After all, he's moved on. Why shouldn't I?

... I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I was wondering why I didn't crumble into pieces.

I no longer want to give people the power to break me.

I've often said that certain people are like carts. You can't push them sideways. The same can be said of our hearts. You don't tell yourself how to feel, you just feel.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
The slower, the better. If anything were to happen at all.

Hard, cold plastic.

Sometimes, I can be so fake it scares me.

It felt like New Years again. We were all at her house, only M. and I were no longer together. I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when three of M.'s closest friends asked me to give her a chance because she means a lot to him and it would mean a great deal more if I tried to be friends with her as well. It was an idea I was shying away from since the day M. told me about how their innocent friendship had become so much more. The pangs of rejection stung my very core just as it did that Thursday long ago.

Everything, in retrospect, isn't as bad as it seems. In one hand, I'm glad he let me go. He did me a favor. Now I can actually find someone who makes me happy in every aspect of the word. I was miserable with him for the longest time, but I made myself believe that he was the only one capable of making me happy when I wasn't even happy at all. On the other hand, what we had before everything took a turn for the worse was beautiful. He made me the happiest miserable person on earth.

My thoughts came to an abrupt end when I saw the both of them walk through the door. He hovered over her as if to protect her from me when she walked over to say hi. It was unusual since no one was going to claw out anyones eyes that night. Violence is not my calling. Instead, I opted to smile, say hi and do the kiss on the cheek as per usual. Reluctancy cannot keep me from being polite. When M. and I came face to face, everything just felt so foreign to me. His arms were once my refuge. He use to feel like home. Everything we had had already disappeared. The feelings I had reserved for him died in the heat of summer. Nothingness came into existence. I looked into his face and there we were. Two different people from who we were, greeting each other with the simple gesture of hello and moving on, going about our own lives.

It's strange. Seeing someone who said they cared so much for you, treat you like their curse.