My room is a reflection of my mind. Cluttered and disorganized. If everything just had a place, my mind would be at ease and maybe I could do work at my desk instead of continuously putting it off. That's why I can never seem to maintain the cleanlines of my room. I've finally gotten around to buying my LACK shelves, now I'm just waiting for father dearest to put them and my canvas artwork from last summer on the wall. While I'm at it, I also need a mirror in my room. I don't have one. Constantly walking back and forth from my bedroom to the washroom grows tedious.
Picking out what to wear on a daily basis gives me a headache. My wardrobe is less than extensive, but I'm working with what I have. The funny thing is, I don't want to spend anymore money on clothes. Maybe a nice dress here and there, but I'm pretty much done filling my closet and dressers with casual clothing or clothes I forget I have.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
It's been over a year and it's still not finished.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Love again for the first time.
A recurring thought passing through my mind over the recent days has been the idea of "dating" again. Mind you I never really "dated" before, so I can't really follow that word with "again."
If there is someone out there who I am meant to be truly happy with, why not allow for it to happen? Instead, I've been avoiding the possibility of finding somebody new. But that's going to change. I'm no longer going to stand dormant when a potential prospect for a relationship comes along. I'm done building walls. Those that remain still stand strong, but I will not refuse to let them come crashing down when an effort has been made.
I see people around me immersed in it. People who have always found their way back to each other. I see it in the way people stare into each others eyes with pure conviction that the person whose eyes they're peering into are the ones they are meant to be with. I see it everywhere. I can't help but believe in love.
Let her know she is worth your time.
It is not because I am difficult to please, because believe me, I am. It is because I am worth the effort in trying to please. And if you try, I'll love you forever. Sort of. Because you have pleased me just by trying to do so.
And if I deem you worthy, there is nearly nothing I would not do for you.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Cupid draw back your bow and let your arrow go straight to my lovers heart for me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
One Hundred Significant Events
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
11. Bungee jumped
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
15. Adopted a child
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
22. Hitch hiked
25. Held a lamb
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
32. Been on a cruise
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
72. Pieced a quilt
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
92. Joined a book club
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
99. Been stung by a bee
I'm probably not going to do each and every single thing on this list during my lifetime. I should get out more. Of Canada, I mean.
Let it drive you.
BAS, here I come.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Self reflections are a must once in a while.
The truth is, I am not a party girl. I'm not into the whole "club scene" as other people are. I may talk about partying a lot, but I prefer being in the company of good friends. I'd rather go hiking in the woods, up and down hills, walk through a meadow than get smashed out of my mind. I enjoy going downtown once in a while. I enjoy spending time with people I don't see often while dancing to some really good music with a drink in hand.
I'm still trying to set my life straight. My lack of motivation has bruised my post secondary transcript and significantly brought down my GPA. I just realized I failed my quantitative methods midterm by 0.08% - and that still isn't enough of a wake up call. Honestly, I've always had a thing for science. I feel like I've cheated on science with business. This further reiterates that cheating (in any form) is no good.
I don't like being pulled or pushed into different directions. I'd like to figure where it is I'd like to be without any influence. I want autonomy. I crave independence, but I know it's not financially feasible at the moment. Right now, I'm sleeping in the bed I've made. I don't think I've ever wanted to wake up so badly. I'd go to the nearest Ikea and buy myself a new bed. It's too bad life isn't that simple.
One year left until graduation and then it's off to a BSc followed by an OD. Being able to have a family and time to spend with my family is more important to me than making that extra $300, 000.00 per year. That is why I've decided opthamology is not for me.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Heaven sent you to me. We are accidents waiting to happen.
Michael Jackson's memorial was so moving. I couldn't help but cry. Brooke Shields included a quote from The Little Prince in her eulogy. A quote I find so fitting. It is the antithesis of how my mother feels, but I can't help but feel otherwise.
"Eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart. What's most important is invisible."
- The Little Prince
Upon the arrival at my cousin's house, a guitar I've never seen before was sitting on the floor. I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, but I've never found the conviction to start learning because I know that I would have the sacrifice my nails in order to hold the strings down. That's a stupid reason. After playing the very few chords that I've been taught, I now know that I'd prefer to play the guitar rather than having nice long nails any day.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Thank you for believing in me.
Today's four hour hike in God knows where was amazing. Upon standing in front of a lake, a friend of mine took a picture and named it "Contemplating Life" which I thought was very fitting. Somewhere along our journey, I figured that life is one great hike. Climbing uphill reminded me that life will does not come without challenges. Even and downhill paths are the rewards we receive after having persevered through one of those challenges. Gazing upon the waterfall and flowing river reminded me that those challenges are worth it in the end and gazing upon and feeling that beauty is earned.
Today, I also realize that what I enjoy learning the most, are the things they don't teach you in school.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I dreamed a dream in time gone by...
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
No place for ending, but somewhere to start.
Life is too short to always be playing it safe. How much have we truly lived if we've allowed our fears to prevent us from doing what we've wanted our entire lives?
In contemplating this question, there is something telling me that I can travel while in school. It doesn't matter if I don't have the money to right now, but that somehow, I will make ends meet. Eight years is too long to put off one's dream. En plus, after those eight years have passed, I'll be making a more than decent salary. I'm confident He will provide because He understands dreams. They are a part of what gives life meaning and helps mould one's purpose.
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
My hairdresser is one amazing person. While she cuts my hair, she makes me feel better about what has been plaguing me in the past months. She made light of my situation in the matter of minutes it took her to trim my hair. Thank you
Also, it's taken a lot of getting used too, but I've finally learned to love my bangs. They make me feel almost like a different person and I don't feel right allowing them to grow out to become the side swept bangs I've worn before. I've embraced this change, and as I'm finding myself, I'm embracing the person I'm becoming.
I'm sure you all know this woman. If not, her name is Sade. Her voice is hypnotizing and I find myself bewitched by her music. She's a classic. I grew up to hearing her songs play on the radio - something I'll always be thankful for my mother and father for.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"I am intoxicated by the prospect of loving you, and terrified by the prospect of hating you." - BJS
Today, I am thankful for the existence of good people and great friends. For sushi, green tea ice cream and the people whom I share it with. I am thankful that, during this slow economy, I have two jobs. I am thankful for the sunshine, for music and the ability to enjoy both. For an education, no matter how much it may stress me out or cause me to complain. I am thankful for love and being able to love. For being able to wake up and enjoy each new day I have been blessed with, no matter how difficult life becomes.
This is it.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
And it's true that you're the only one. And I do, I do adore you. You make me feel alive.
I want someone unafraid of learning to love me or falling in love. He takes life in strides. Ambitious and creative. Gifted with an outlet to let out all he wants to express - be it through music, art or poetry. One who inspires and is inspired by the true beauty of the moment. He looks forward to the future and never forgets to live in the present. He knows his life is his own and does not base it on the lives of others. Someone worthy of the approval of my family and friends - the people closer to me than anyone in the world - and deserving of their respect because it is reciprocated.
He does not slowly abandon me during my times of need. Someone who will be there by my side no matter how difficult our path may become. One who knows that it will only get better in time. Someone who complements me and accepts me for who I am, who does not judge my actions or attempts to change me in any way. Someone who knows I'm beautiful flaws and all and will not fail to remind me of it should I feel otherwise. A man who feels he already has the world because he has me and will not try to possess me. He does not question my feelings for him because deep down, he knows my heart will not waver so long as it is he gives it no reason to. Someone who is confident in himself. His confidence is what others will see. He is not arrogant, demeaning or passing of judgement.
He has a different kind of humor. The type of humor that makes me laugh until breathing becomes an impossibility. He makes me smile until it hurts to smile. He dries my tears and does not cause them unless they're tears of joy. He understands I'm human and that I do make mistakes but does not criticize me and instead helps me and supports my growth. I want someone who wants to make me happy and does so because he knows everyone is deserving of happiness. Someone who wants to be with me and does not want to be without me.
He brings life to my own. My best friend, lover and soulmate. Deserving of everything I have to give and unwilling to take it for granted. Just as he would sacrifice for me, I to would sacrifice for him.
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
And I would do my best everyday to be the woman he deserves and is deserving of him.
Soulmates
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
— Richard Bach
"'But how will I know who my Soulmate is?' Brida felt that this was one of the most important questions she had ever asked in her life.
‘By taking risks,’ she said to Brida. ‘By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in you search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.'"
— Paulo Coelho (Brida)
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
How do you discern a friend from a soulmate?
Maybe a soulmate understands your soul and not just yourself. They've aided in your growth, support who you are and who you become. Each one has touched your soul in such a unique way that life just wouldn't be the same if they hadn't stepped in and stayed for as long as they did. They are gifts from God, almost like earth angels even though they can be less than angelic. I think that's what a soulmate is.
Who knew what I would find there. After all, I have thoughts of killing you.
Vicky Christina Barcelona After watching this movie, I raise my white flag. I don't know what I want. I know only what I don't want. I don't want a life of unhappiness, but I also know that love is incomplete without its sufferings. Penelope Cruz is hauntingly beautiful in this movie - it's a beauty I didn't see in her until now.
Monday, July 6, 2009
And it hurts my soul `cause I can't let go.
These dreams are often unsettling. Small crumbs of happier times leave a trail to the edge of the mountain. Smaller annoyances continue to grow faster than bacteria. Truistic laments of broken hearts crawl through my ear and into my heart. They create tiny crevices in the dams I have built. Ghosts of the past paint their faces in my dreams so that the chains of remembrance stay true and do not break. The ant under your magnifying glass. Being burned by your judgement. Confined to my own heaven of hell. But still alive. And still breathing. And still as unforgiving as ever.
Begin to doubt my state of mind, but I won't go back on what I said.
We were caught in a web of miscommunication. Instead of fighting to get out of the web, we fought each other. You blamed me for the unhappiness in your life. For being so spiteful towards you. I tried to make you understand that I am not the spiteful person you think me to be and that after everything we've been though, I've always wanted you to be happy. You thought I was lying. You slapped me across my face. It must have felt really good the first time, because you did it again. And again. You held my chin up, looked at me and slapped the other cheek. You grabbed my hair and pulled my face close only to yell at me. I refrained from doing anything. I stood there and I allowed you to take out your frustration because your hate towards me hurt more than any physical injury. After you thought I've had enough, you walked away. I sat there crying visibly shaken by what had just happened. My hards sobs and tears had managed to find their way into my waking life. Not too long ago, I awoke with tears tracing a path down my face and onto my pillow.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Ripping paper doesn't count. Paper is still paper. Burning paper is different.
If you looked up chemical reaction on the dashboard dictionary of a MacBook it will give you the following definition:
Process that involves the rearrangement of the molecular or ionic structure of a substance, as opposed to the change in physical form or a nuclear reaction.
I've been thinking about it lately and realized that what happens to someone when they're in a relationship is almost the equivalent to a chemical reaction (as far as analogies go) because the change happens to someone is often irreversible. You don't revert back into who you were because you've grown and continue to grow with every encounter with experience. The very essence of you remains, the atoms, protons, neutrons and electrons are still there, but you've changed form.
It's too bad I can't properly articulate this idea/analogy. Poorly communicated, I think.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Why won't my heart muster a new beat?
I'm caught in time travel. I'm caught in your web. Your fine lies were enticing. Your arms were always so inviting. But your heart shut me out. You left me in the snow. One day, my cheeks began to lose their color. I learned to walk away - to stop making excuses for you and to let go. I traveled to old and distant memories of a happier time, but they were not right without you. So I began a new journey. The snow had started melting away and the sun brought color back to my skin. It warmed my heart that froze in your hands, but it still keeps the same beat. You have always only been pushed aside to the furthest corner of my mind, but what you did and do not want has never left you.
CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
She only wanted to love you and you couldn't even give her the chance.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I'll fly you to the moon and back if you'll be my baby.
Omens. I should stop ignoring them and start listening to them before they decide to leave me completely. I'm learning that some things are better left unsaid, and others are better left unexplained. And some memories are better left in the past.
I feel like I'm in a better place. I didn't want my last words to be hurtful ones. I'm okay.
P.S. No more Quote of the Days. Time rarely spares me a moment for myself.
