I guess neglect could be considered a form of abuse.

And I feel really bad for neglecting my blog, or whatever this is. I feel that it stems from a lack of expression or form of expression.

I know my more early entries seemed very melancholic, but for now, I am happy. Stressed - but happy.

Writings on the Wall

"In love with life. In life for love."

I found it scribbled in one of the stalls of the ladies room in the Technology and Enhanced Learning Building on campus. I wish I had a DSLR to take a picture of this.

Swag is not about what you wear, but how you wear it.

After recent criticism I've gotten on my clothing, I've realized that fashion is also about making mistakes. It's taken garments and pieces of clothing and making it work. Just because one person wouldn't wear it, it doesn't mean it's not beautiful.

My point is: I like my white dress. Regardless of whether or not you like it.

Some kind of wonderful.

It doesn't matter if it's raining outside. Things are finally starting to look up. The pieces of those things that fell apart are finally falling into place. When the time is right, everything just works out on its own. It was a hard lesson learnt, but it was worth every struggle. As much as the sun may shine, the sun isn't here to stay forever. We will always have rain. As sad as the sky may seem, the rain gives life to the things that need it to grow. There's always a lesson to be learned and peace to be found after every struggle faced.

Messages 88 through 90.

"Thanks for another amazing time with you. I hope you really realize how much I care for you, cause the truth is, it grows everyday and I can barely keep up. You are my darling and everytime I smile, for whatever reason or through whatever I'm going, you are what I see smiling with me. You are what I smile for... Goodnight baby :)"

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I stumbled across this one night. It's both a beautiful and heartbreaking read. I wish someone wrote to me this way with a strong certitude in every single word because sometimes it's not enough to just say something. You have to mean it.

Here's to a clean room and a fresh mind.

It is true that one's room is a reflection of themselves. My room is disheveled and unorganized - story of my life. Yet here I am spending so much time into fixing it and so much thought into how it should be organized - the other story of my life. It makes me wonder about how much time, thought and effort I put into myself and other aspects of my life.

Rich Tree

After dinner, we go on a walk outside just as we did three years prior. He and I walk hand in hand with our fingers intertwined, undisturbed by the frigid air. We near the alternate entrance to the restaurant and stop in front of the doors. He pulls me into his arms as I draw mine around his neck. He lays his hand softly against my face lightly stroking my cheek with his thumb. I close my eyes as I let the pleasure of his caress take over me. I move forward as he drops his head and I angle my face to complement his. Our lips meet for a few brief moments in a delicate kiss. I move my right hand to the back of his head to draw him near. Standing on my tip toes, I whisper in his ear, "Happy anniversary. I love you." "And I love you," he says as he responds with by meeting my lips with another kiss.

As we settle in back into the car, the heat is turned on full blast and the radio is set to a jazz station but is nearly inaudible. When he decides our hands are warm enough, he asks me to retrieve something from the glovebox. I open the glovebox to find a little package poorly wrapped in a foil finish wrapping paper. "Is this it? Nice wrapping," I jokingly say. "Shut up," he says, "Open it. It's my anniversary present to you."
"Aw, Babe! You didn't have to get me anything! Now I feel like a douche bag... I didn't get you anything. Thanks."
"I know I didn't have to get you anything, but I wanted too. Douche bag. Hurry and open it!"
"I will! Stop telling me what to do! What is it?"
"Open it and find out."

I stare at the lightweight package resting in my hands and begin tearing at the wrapping paper. His face turns anxious as he waits in anticipation while I take my precious time opening the gift. As the wrapping paper comes off, an airline symbol catches my eye. Plane tickets. I open the flap to reveal two roundtrip plane tickets to France. I sit there frozen, unable to move.
"So... will you come to France with me?" he asks.
"Of course I'll go with you to France!" I reply, throwing my arms around him. I lean over to kiss him and our lips move in synchronicity, opening and giving way so that he's able to slide his tongue inside my mouth. Fighting the urge to continue making out in the underground parking lot, he pulls his face a few centimeters away from mine and says, "Happy anniversary. What do you say we get out of here? We have a plane to catch in the morning."
"Morning?"
"Yep. Our flight leaves tomorrow, which means you have to finish packing!"
"Alright, let's get out of here." With my hormones raging inside of me, I half smile and say in my sultry-I-want-you voice, "By the way, I lied. I do have a little gift for you... but you'll have to wait `til we get home."

Nous étions la bougie dans le vent.

The passion was strong.
The flame burned intensely.
And then the wick was gone.
No spark could exist.
The flame is not destined to reignite.
So I moved on.
To the next candle.

Sometimes, I wish I could just scream.

...FML.

You seem to really have had a hold on me.

We are always blind in the beginning. You were no good for me but you were so good to me. You were the unbecoming cigarette in my hand and yet, I was addicted. I fought so hard to be with you like you were going out of style. The day my supply ran out, as difficult as it was, I was forced to live without you - the way it should have been since February. Quitting you cold turkey was difficult, but now I know it was for the best. I was never truly myself because I somehow felt like I couldn't be. That if I didn't I fit into your mould, I would be no good. When I no longer felt the pressure to be someone I'm not, I began to redefine myself and break myself from the mould after trying so hard to conform to it.

I'm different now. And in a better place. So, I just wanted to take this time to say, thank you.

Once upon a time in Nazi occupied France...

Amazing movie.

A promise to work harder, be wiser and to never strive for less than best.

Motivation is hard to keep. I've gone through this before, and I always say I'll change my ways, but every single time, nothing changes. Always searching for an excuse to excuse myself from studying. It occurs every night before the day of an exam. Excessive coffee. Scarcity of sleep. When that paper is staring me in the face, my heart palpitates it might as well exit my chest. That's when I plan to change but slacking is too enticing an idea. Procrastination begins to take hold and I'm right back where I started.

This time, I know it will be okay. God always takes care of me as long as I am willing to take care of myself. Once this week is over, rest will come. When that week of rest has reached the end, I will make the changes I've longed for for so long will come to fruition. I've changed so much this past year, this habit is no exception to that rule.

People are like rivers. Always flowing. When faced with an obstacle, we overcome and seek a new path or direction. And we are always changing. You can never step in the same water twice.

Green tea with roasted rice is one of my favorite teas.

I find that it is best enjoyed with sushi and people who inspire laughter.

...

I've said this a hundred times over, but I will not buy anymore clothing until I've become most comfortable with the shape of my body. My "workout" routine will begin on Monday August 31st, 2009. To further motivate myself, I'm going to blog about it in a separate blog apart from this one. I'd really like to finish my room prior to working out.

In the mean time... I'm just going to continue experimenting with hair and make-up. I have the patience for neither, so it will be somewhat of a challenge. The more challenging part is making it a daily routine. We'll see how things work out.

My finals are during this upcoming week. I must really focus. But focusing is so hard to do.

...

Dear Barry,

Thank you so much for your comments and taking the time to read my blog. I'm especially appreciative of your comment on one of my earlier blogs in regards to forgiveness. Thank you for your kind words!

R.

I still can't believe you found somebody new. But I wish you the best, I guess.

Four months later and your memories still haunt me in my sleep.

...

He pulls up into my driveway in the dead of night and runs up the stairs of the porch to meet me. Again, he explains why we're not and why we can't be together as if to open up the wounds I've been trying so hard to close. There's only so much of it I need reiterated. Retort after retort escalates my emotions. Anger is building up inside of me and just begins pouring out of my mouth in the form of words. We fight and we argue until I can't stand his presence.

I'm standing on the porch watching him get into his car. The Volvo's engine comes to life and he quickly speeds out of my driveway. He's left me so many times already, you'd think I'd be use to it by now, but I'm not. The street becomes quiet. A little too quiet. He's gone. I turn to enter the house and I hear another car driving by. I pivot my head sideways as the sounds grows stronger. His silver Volvo is back in the driveway.

"I can't do it," he says. "I can't leave you again." He stares deeply into my eyes, but it's a trick that has long lost it's charm. He grabs me by the arms and pulls me closer. He tells me that he misses me - how he's always missed me. That leaving me was a mistake and an even bigger mistake that he left me for her. That even though he tried to forget me, he couldn't. That he never really meant to hurt me and was really just trying to give me time to grow. Lies. As intoxicating as they have been to hear, that's all they were.

I took a step a back and held him at arms length away.

"If you had meant anything you ever told me, you wouldn't have done what you did."

There he was. The only man I wanted to be with asking me to take him back. Tears begin filling my eyes. As much as I want(ed) to be with him, there is no second chance. Not in his case. I'm standing on my porch staring into the face of the person who meant so much to me and just took it for granted. His hazy silhouette bathed in the moonlight was the last of him I saw before waking up.

We're just ordinary people. We don't know which way to go.

Last night, I went to Casino Rama to watch John Legend with a friend. He's such a good performer! I love that he sings with so much soul and conviction. I fell in love with some of his songs last night - the ones that really tug on my heart strings.

This being one of them...

The reckoner hits.

Doing bad things creates a heavy conscience. After coming clean to several people, I've come to realize that I did what I did because, although it doesn't make me feel any better about myself, I feel like it's my own sick and twisted way of getting back at the world.

Impossible seems to be the appropriate word when describing the chances of pleasing everyone. One person always ends up being disappointed even though you've done the best you could. I learned this the hard way last night. It's still eating at me. I feel like such a jerk. I am a jerk. And I apologize for it.

I'm sorry.

She likes to spend her money on frivolous things.

After yesterday's lack of events and excess of grief, my younger cousin and brother decided that we should get out of the house for a little bit. I decided they were right and got ready to head on out after creating a new resume.

I bought a low v-neck cut, satin gray form fitting dress that's tiered at the front. Hopefully the dress still fits my form in September, otherwise I'll have to find some way to shrink it. It looks sexy when paired with my cropped Armani jacket. I just need black or white biker gloves (preferably black) to complete the outfit.

I don't want to spend any more money on clothing until I've reached my desired size. I've said this a million times over, but this time I hope to stick to it.

It's true what they say about closure. Or lack thereof.

In the morning, he's in my dream. Explaining to me over and over again why we're not together. Excuse after excuse. I've always tried to be understanding, but this is something I will never truly understand. I awoke in tears for the second time in one month.

By the afternoon, I witness him holding her face in his hands. I use to love it when he held my face that way. There was no space between us and I'd get lost in his deep brown eyes.

Evening came and I still suffered from the stings of rejection. Of being replaced so quickly. I don't know what hurts the most, but that reason has to be among the top three. I know I said I wouldn't shed any more tears over this, but there I was doing just that.

Two hours ago, I receive a text from Amanda and I feel a little better. She's right. It's not worth my time.

"Attention Deficit Disorder can be cured."

"Attention Deficit Disorder is bullshit and anyone that "has it" should be shot. You have a kid that misbehaves? Smack the little shit up side the head and tell him to shut up. I'm tired of all these pussy parents that are afraid to discipline their kids.

There's a fine line between child abuse and discipline. Take my dad for example; when I screwed up, my dad would electrocute me. And look at me today: flawless. Electrocution builds character.

All seriousness aside, the real reason ADD exists is because executives at pharmaceutical companies need to make their Lexus payments. Companies that produce Ritalin, Dexedrin and Cylert make billions of dollars every year selling their shit to lazy/irresponsible parents that want an excuse for letting their kids become the stupid, obnoxious, spoiled bratts that they're growing up to be. When I was a kid, all my parents gave me was a brick to play with. If I complained about the brick, my dad would drop kick me in the throat and I'd realize how ungrateful I was being.

I bet all those wimps diagnosed with ADD when they were kids are the same dipshits that still pay with checks in grocery stores. NOBODY PAYS WITH CHECKS ANYMORE. Get out of the stone ages. Seriously. People that pay with checks drive me up the wall. Might as well pay with foreign currency. Some old lady was paying with a check while I was in line at the grocery store the other day, so I dislocated her hip. Old lady had nothing on me, I kick ass!"

From the blog of 808 Gonzo.

I am your unfinished song and we'll never have that strawberry kiss.

That song. I'll never be able to hear you play it, will I? There can be no final product. It's still incomplete. Maybe it's best left that way. After all, you've found a new melody.

"Since hate troubles the soul, do not cherish jealousy. Avoid people who make you unhappy."

I've just finished deactivating my Facebook again. It's a temporary hiatus I think I strongly need. You see too much of things you don't want to see. You learn to much of things you wish you didn't know.

I've always disliked how I was told that I should dress better or look prettier. That it wasn't because I didn't look good, but because I didn't look great. I disliked how I was told that perhaps I just needed to wear more eyeshadow or a little more eyeliner and some blush to contour my cheekbones.

At the time, I didn't wear a lot of make up because I found it tedious and I enjoyed walking around with the little amount I had on. I didn't want to begin feeling that I need make up in order to be beautiful. Nor did I dress to the 9's each single time I went out. If an occasion called for it, I would dress a little better than I normally would. I didn't feel that one's outward appearance was necessarily a reflection of themselves. It could have been a reflection of a part of themselves, like who they are or how they feel on a lazy day or when the sun is shining it outside, but not the person in their entirety.

If you meet me on a good day, chances are, I'll look better than I would on a day where the sky is gray or if I just came back from the gym. This is why first impressions are always almost false. There is what you think, what people want you to think and reality.

I've really been trying to change. By change I mean finding my own style and working with what I have. With that said, I'd just like to point out that I'm not defined by what I own or what I wear. These changes are not a consequence of earlier putdowns, but a step forward in who I am. I'm still searching for myself but I'm very close to finding her.

Who I was a couple of months ago is different from who I am today. Yes, it took me a while to get here, but here I am. From here, it'll only get better.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I've become the person you wanted me to be, but who I wasn't, until now. I like her and I think you would have too, but your patience just couldn't afford to wait.

Seasons change.

It hasn't even been a year and I'm already done with the late night party scene. It was fun while it lasted, but I wouldn't come crawling back. Unless it's a birthday, a party that will definitely be banging, a special event, or I'm going with a group of friends I haven't gone with yet, I'll probably turn the invitation down. You must be pretty damn special in my books if I don't. Hanging out with a group of friends, having a drink or two and just watching a movie that makes you laugh until you can't breathe is far superior, I think.

Grandmothers.

Today, while driving home, I realized how much I really love my Lola. She is the last grandparent I have here on earth. I've only every known two of my grandparents, one of whom passed away several years ago, and I love both of them very deeply.

I want to travel back to the Philippines just to spend time with my Lola Lourdes. I miss her a lot and I don't know how much time she has left here (knock on wood!). I'd also like to spend some time at Inay's resting place since I never made it to her funeral. Let's put it this way: If I had to choose between France and traveling to the Philippines just to spend time with my grandmother(s), I'd forgo France in a heartbeat.

I sometimes feel as if I've loved my grandparents more than my own parents and I don't know why. I hope that someday, my children will be able to love my parents more than I ever have and make them happy in the ways that I never did.

Life begins.

"Life is too short to wake up in the mornings with regrets. So love the ones who treat you right, forget the ones who don’t. Remember that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance take it, if it changes your life, then let it. No one said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

You're going to love me.

Fear is paralyzing me. I want to feel, but I don't want to feel the hurt. They offer no compromise. They offer no promise and no guarantee. If we want to feel, we must be willing to feel everything.

For the first time in what seemed to be forever, I'm finally regaining the ability to see myself with someone.

After all, he's moved on. Why shouldn't I?

... I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I was wondering why I didn't crumble into pieces.

I no longer want to give people the power to break me.

I've often said that certain people are like carts. You can't push them sideways. The same can be said of our hearts. You don't tell yourself how to feel, you just feel.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
The slower, the better. If anything were to happen at all.

Hard, cold plastic.

Sometimes, I can be so fake it scares me.

It felt like New Years again. We were all at her house, only M. and I were no longer together. I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when three of M.'s closest friends asked me to give her a chance because she means a lot to him and it would mean a great deal more if I tried to be friends with her as well. It was an idea I was shying away from since the day M. told me about how their innocent friendship had become so much more. The pangs of rejection stung my very core just as it did that Thursday long ago.

Everything, in retrospect, isn't as bad as it seems. In one hand, I'm glad he let me go. He did me a favor. Now I can actually find someone who makes me happy in every aspect of the word. I was miserable with him for the longest time, but I made myself believe that he was the only one capable of making me happy when I wasn't even happy at all. On the other hand, what we had before everything took a turn for the worse was beautiful. He made me the happiest miserable person on earth.

My thoughts came to an abrupt end when I saw the both of them walk through the door. He hovered over her as if to protect her from me when she walked over to say hi. It was unusual since no one was going to claw out anyones eyes that night. Violence is not my calling. Instead, I opted to smile, say hi and do the kiss on the cheek as per usual. Reluctancy cannot keep me from being polite. When M. and I came face to face, everything just felt so foreign to me. His arms were once my refuge. He use to feel like home. Everything we had had already disappeared. The feelings I had reserved for him died in the heat of summer. Nothingness came into existence. I looked into his face and there we were. Two different people from who we were, greeting each other with the simple gesture of hello and moving on, going about our own lives.

It's strange. Seeing someone who said they cared so much for you, treat you like their curse.

It's been over a year and it's still not finished.

My room is a reflection of my mind. Cluttered and disorganized. If everything just had a place, my mind would be at ease and maybe I could do work at my desk instead of continuously putting it off. That's why I can never seem to maintain the cleanlines of my room. I've finally gotten around to buying my LACK shelves, now I'm just waiting for father dearest to put them and my canvas artwork from last summer on the wall. While I'm at it, I also need a mirror in my room. I don't have one. Constantly walking back and forth from my bedroom to the washroom grows tedious.

Picking out what to wear on a daily basis gives me a headache. My wardrobe is less than extensive, but I'm working with what I have. The funny thing is, I don't want to spend anymore money on clothes. Maybe a nice dress here and there, but I'm pretty much done filling my closet and dressers with casual clothing or clothes I forget I have.

Love again for the first time.

A recurring thought passing through my mind over the recent days has been the idea of "dating" again. Mind you I never really "dated" before, so I can't really follow that word with "again."

If there is someone out there who I am meant to be truly happy with, why not allow for it to happen? Instead, I've been avoiding the possibility of finding somebody new. But that's going to change. I'm no longer going to stand dormant when a potential prospect for a relationship comes along. I'm done building walls. Those that remain still stand strong, but I will not refuse to let them come crashing down when an effort has been made.

I see people around me immersed in it. People who have always found their way back to each other. I see it in the way people stare into each others eyes with pure conviction that the person whose eyes they're peering into are the ones they are meant to be with. I see it everywhere. I can't help but believe in love.

Let her know she is worth your time.

It is not because I am difficult to please, because believe me, I am. It is because I am worth the effort in trying to please. And if you try, I'll love you forever. Sort of. Because you have pleased me just by trying to do so.

And if I deem you worthy, there is nearly nothing I would not do for you.

Cupid draw back your bow and let your arrow go straight to my lovers heart for me.

It's been so long since this feeling has made itself known. And it feels nice.

One Hundred Significant Events

Have you... ?

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland [I assume Disney World counts.]
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris - This one needs a do over.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - YouTube's good for that.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day


I'm probably not going to do each and every single thing on this list during my lifetime. I should get out more. Of Canada, I mean.

Let it drive you.

I will graduate next summer raising my degree in the air immediately following the Fall Convocation.

BAS, here I come.

Self reflections are a must once in a while.

The truth is, I am not a party girl. I'm not into the whole "club scene" as other people are. I may talk about partying a lot, but I prefer being in the company of good friends. I'd rather go hiking in the woods, up and down hills, walk through a meadow than get smashed out of my mind. I enjoy going downtown once in a while. I enjoy spending time with people I don't see often while dancing to some really good music with a drink in hand.

I'm still trying to set my life straight. My lack of motivation has bruised my post secondary transcript and significantly brought down my GPA. I just realized I failed my quantitative methods midterm by 0.08% - and that still isn't enough of a wake up call. Honestly, I've always had a thing for science. I feel like I've cheated on science with business. This further reiterates that cheating (in any form) is no good.

I don't like being pulled or pushed into different directions. I'd like to figure where it is I'd like to be without any influence. I want autonomy. I crave independence, but I know it's not financially feasible at the moment. Right now, I'm sleeping in the bed I've made. I don't think I've ever wanted to wake up so badly. I'd go to the nearest Ikea and buy myself a new bed. It's too bad life isn't that simple.

One year left until graduation and then it's off to a BSc followed by an OD. Being able to have a family and time to spend with my family is more important to me than making that extra $300, 000.00 per year. That is why I've decided opthamology is not for me.

Heaven sent you to me. We are accidents waiting to happen.

Michael Jackson's memorial was so moving. I couldn't help but cry. Brooke Shields included a quote from The Little Prince in her eulogy. A quote I find so fitting. It is the antithesis of how my mother feels, but I can't help but feel otherwise.

"Eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart. What's most important is invisible."

- The Little Prince

Upon the arrival at my cousin's house, a guitar I've never seen before was sitting on the floor. I've always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, but I've never found the conviction to start learning because I know that I would have the sacrifice my nails in order to hold the strings down. That's a stupid reason. After playing the very few chords that I've been taught, I now know that I'd prefer to play the guitar rather than having nice long nails any day.

Thank you for believing in me.

Today's four hour hike in God knows where was amazing. Upon standing in front of a lake, a friend of mine took a picture and named it "Contemplating Life" which I thought was very fitting. Somewhere along our journey, I figured that life is one great hike. Climbing uphill reminded me that life will does not come without challenges. Even and downhill paths are the rewards we receive after having persevered through one of those challenges. Gazing upon the waterfall and flowing river reminded me that those challenges are worth it in the end and gazing upon and feeling that beauty is earned.

Today, I also realize that what I enjoy learning the most, are the things they don't teach you in school.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

I Dreamed A Dream - Les Miserables



CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

No place for ending, but somewhere to start.

Life is too short to always be playing it safe. How much have we truly lived if we've allowed our fears to prevent us from doing what we've wanted our entire lives?

In contemplating this question, there is something telling me that I can travel while in school. It doesn't matter if I don't have the money to right now, but that somehow, I will make ends meet. Eight years is too long to put off one's dream. En plus, after those eight years have passed, I'll be making a more than decent salary. I'm confident He will provide because He understands dreams. They are a part of what gives life meaning and helps mould one's purpose.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
My hairdresser is one amazing person. While she cuts my hair, she makes me feel better about what has been plaguing me in the past months. She made light of my situation in the matter of minutes it took her to trim my hair. Thank you

Also, it's taken a lot of getting used too, but I've finally learned to love my bangs. They make me feel almost like a different person and I don't feel right allowing them to grow out to become the side swept bangs I've worn before. I've embraced this change, and as I'm finding myself, I'm embracing the person I'm becoming.




I'm sure you all know this woman. If not, her name is Sade. Her voice is hypnotizing and I find myself bewitched by her music. She's a classic. I grew up to hearing her songs play on the radio - something I'll always be thankful for my mother and father for.

"I am intoxicated by the prospect of loving you, and terrified by the prospect of hating you." - BJS

Today, I am thankful for the existence of good people and great friends. For sushi, green tea ice cream and the people whom I share it with. I am thankful that, during this slow economy, I have two jobs. I am thankful for the sunshine, for music and the ability to enjoy both. For an education, no matter how much it may stress me out or cause me to complain. I am thankful for love and being able to love. For being able to wake up and enjoy each new day I have been blessed with, no matter how difficult life becomes.

This is it.

And it's true that you're the only one. And I do, I do adore you. You make me feel alive.

I want someone unafraid of learning to love me or falling in love. He takes life in strides. Ambitious and creative. Gifted with an outlet to let out all he wants to express - be it through music, art or poetry. One who inspires and is inspired by the true beauty of the moment. He looks forward to the future and never forgets to live in the present. He knows his life is his own and does not base it on the lives of others. Someone worthy of the approval of my family and friends - the people closer to me than anyone in the world - and deserving of their respect because it is reciprocated.

He does not slowly abandon me during my times of need. Someone who will be there by my side no matter how difficult our path may become. One who knows that it will only get better in time. Someone who complements me and accepts me for who I am, who does not judge my actions or attempts to change me in any way. Someone who knows I'm beautiful flaws and all and will not fail to remind me of it should I feel otherwise. A man who feels he already has the world because he has me and will not try to possess me. He does not question my feelings for him because deep down, he knows my heart will not waver so long as it is he gives it no reason to. Someone who is confident in himself. His confidence is what others will see. He is not arrogant, demeaning or passing of judgement.

He has a different kind of humor. The type of humor that makes me laugh until breathing becomes an impossibility. He makes me smile until it hurts to smile. He dries my tears and does not cause them unless they're tears of joy. He understands I'm human and that I do make mistakes but does not criticize me and instead helps me and supports my growth. I want someone who wants to make me happy and does so because he knows everyone is deserving of happiness. Someone who wants to be with me and does not want to be without me.

He brings life to my own. My best friend, lover and soulmate. Deserving of everything I have to give and unwilling to take it for granted. Just as he would sacrifice for me, I to would sacrifice for him.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
And I would do my best everyday to be the woman he deserves and is deserving of him.

Soulmates

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”

— Richard Bach

"'But how will I know who my Soulmate is?' Brida felt that this was one of the most important questions she had ever asked in her life.

‘By taking risks,’ she said to Brida. ‘By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in you search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end.'"

— Paulo Coelho (Brida)

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
How do you discern a friend from a soulmate?

Maybe a soulmate understands your soul and not just yourself. They've aided in your growth, support who you are and who you become. Each one has touched your soul in such a unique way that life just wouldn't be the same if they hadn't stepped in and stayed for as long as they did. They are gifts from God, almost like earth angels even though they can be less than angelic. I think that's what a soulmate is.

Who knew what I would find there. After all, I have thoughts of killing you.

Vicky Christina Barcelona After watching this movie, I raise my white flag. I don't know what I want. I know only what I don't want. I don't want a life of unhappiness, but I also know that love is incomplete without its sufferings. Penelope Cruz is hauntingly beautiful in this movie - it's a beauty I didn't see in her until now.

And it hurts my soul `cause I can't let go.

These dreams are often unsettling. Small crumbs of happier times leave a trail to the edge of the mountain. Smaller annoyances continue to grow faster than bacteria. Truistic laments of broken hearts crawl through my ear and into my heart. They create tiny crevices in the dams I have built. Ghosts of the past paint their faces in my dreams so that the chains of remembrance stay true and do not break. The ant under your magnifying glass. Being burned by your judgement. Confined to my own heaven of hell. But still alive. And still breathing. And still as unforgiving as ever.

Begin to doubt my state of mind, but I won't go back on what I said.

We were caught in a web of miscommunication. Instead of fighting to get out of the web, we fought each other. You blamed me for the unhappiness in your life. For being so spiteful towards you. I tried to make you understand that I am not the spiteful person you think me to be and that after everything we've been though, I've always wanted you to be happy. You thought I was lying. You slapped me across my face. It must have felt really good the first time, because you did it again. And again. You held my chin up, looked at me and slapped the other cheek. You grabbed my hair and pulled my face close only to yell at me. I refrained from doing anything. I stood there and I allowed you to take out your frustration because your hate towards me hurt more than any physical injury. After you thought I've had enough, you walked away. I sat there crying visibly shaken by what had just happened. My hards sobs and tears had managed to find their way into my waking life. Not too long ago, I awoke with tears tracing a path down my face and onto my pillow.

Ripping paper doesn't count. Paper is still paper. Burning paper is different.

If you looked up chemical reaction on the dashboard dictionary of a MacBook it will give you the following definition:

Process that involves the rearrangement of the molecular or ionic structure of a substance, as opposed to the change in physical form or a nuclear reaction.

I've been thinking about it lately and realized that what happens to someone when they're in a relationship is almost the equivalent to a chemical reaction (as far as analogies go) because the change happens to someone is often irreversible. You don't revert back into who you were because you've grown and continue to grow with every encounter with experience. The very essence of you remains, the atoms, protons, neutrons and electrons are still there, but you've changed form.

It's too bad I can't properly articulate this idea/analogy. Poorly communicated, I think.

Why won't my heart muster a new beat?

I'm caught in time travel. I'm caught in your web. Your fine lies were enticing. Your arms were always so inviting. But your heart shut me out. You left me in the snow. One day, my cheeks began to lose their color. I learned to walk away - to stop making excuses for you and to let go. I traveled to old and distant memories of a happier time, but they were not right without you. So I began a new journey. The snow had started melting away and the sun brought color back to my skin. It warmed my heart that froze in your hands, but it still keeps the same beat. You have always only been pushed aside to the furthest corner of my mind, but what you did and do not want has never left you.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
She only wanted to love you and you couldn't even give her the chance.

I'll fly you to the moon and back if you'll be my baby.

I love taking walks downtown. I love not knowing where I'm going and trusting that I'll arrive where I'm supposed to be. I love all the little discoveries and the constant learning.

Omens. I should stop ignoring them and start listening to them before they decide to leave me completely. I'm learning that some things are better left unsaid, and others are better left unexplained. And some memories are better left in the past.

I feel like I'm in a better place. I didn't want my last words to be hurtful ones. I'm okay.

P.S. No more Quote of the Days. Time rarely spares me a moment for myself.

Long Live the King of Pop

No one has had a much greater influence on pop culture than the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. Though his personal life may have pushed his musical talents as a song writer, performer and entertainer into the limelight, it will be his best qualities that will be truly missed and forever remembered.

Quote of the Day: 20090626

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."

— Confucius

A milder version of time travel.

Saturday November 1st, 2008 @ 12:16

Everything feels so surreal. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it. I feel as if it's too good to be true, I have to step outside of myself just to make sense of it all and even then, it still feels like a dream.

I feel so blessed. Everyone should be this happy.

Saturday January 27th, 2009 @ 02:08

I'm falling apart.
My heart is breaking.
I cry every night.
There has to be a reason why.

Saturday March 7th, 2009 @ 08:51

Like I said, I won't try to control love and hold onto it when it's slipping away. So I'll learn to let him go. If we're meant to be, we'll be together again.

As much as I miss him, it just doesn't feel right when we're not together. I'm hurting enough as it is and it's eating away at me. I am stronger than what I give myself credit for. I don't know how I've managed to hold myself together. It's challenging, but I'm enduring.

Wednesday April 8th, 2009 @ 00:25

Time passes. Wounds heal. You laugh and you cry; that's life.

Forget the way he made you feel. Forget how safe you felt in his arms when he'd hold your body close to his. Forget the warmth of his skin and the tenderness of his touch. Forget every time he lightly stroked your cheek or placed your hair behind your ears. Forget every kiss he laid on your skin and every word he whispered in your ear. Forget all of those times he made you laugh and put a smile on your face.

Remember that things have changed. Remember how he broke your heart. Remember how he left when he should have been there the most. Remember those nights you couldn't sleep because all you could do was cry. Remember you don't owe him anything - he forfeit any privilege that day he called it quits. Remember that you're not together anymore.

And know that you deserve better than this - you deserve to be happy.

Promises. They break before they're made... Sometimes.

You know it's a good day when, out of hundreds of songs, the first song your iPod plays in the morning is Someday by The Strokes.



This song is accompanied by a lot of bittersweet memories. Thankfully, they're more sweet than they are bitter. In regards to the lyrics, I really wish I had listened to what Julian Casablancas was singing the first few times I heard this song. It was an omen. It felt almost like he was singing the song for me.

CLICK (for lyrics): Another Unkept Secret
Someday by The Strokes

In many ways, they'll miss the good old days
Someday, someday
Yeah, it hurts to say, but I want you to stay
Sometimes, sometimes

When we was young, oh man, did we have fun
Always, always
Promises, they break before they're made
Sometimes, sometimes

Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth
I will do my best
You say you wanna stay by my side
Darlin', your head's not right
See, alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah, I think I'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables, they turn sometimes

Oh, someday...
No, I ain't wastin' no more time

And now my fears
They come to me in threes
So, I
Sometimes
Say, "Fate my friend,
You say the strangest things
I find, sometimes"

Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth
Say I will try my best
You say you wanna stay by my side
Darlin', your head's not right
See, alone we stand, together we fall apart
Yeah, I think I'll be alright
I'm working so I won't have to try so hard
Tables, they turn sometimes

Oh, someday...
I ain't wasting no more time

Quote of the Day: 20090625

"Love is the absence of judgement."

— Dahli Llama

Quote of the Day: 20090624

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

— Lou Holtz

What you would not do... you'd do for love.

My title comes from a status update of a friend on Facebook. After reading it, I sat on my bed for a good few minutes and contemplated everything that I would do only for love. I couldn't really think of anything. This can't be true. There has to be something.

Lately, it's been beautiful outside. I love hot summer days. The summer season never fails to bring nature and I closer together. And in a different way, it strengthens my relationship with God. I feel more attuned to his presence and I'm able to see him in the beauty that surrounds me. It invokes a happiness that is best enjoyed with the company of a good friend. Perhaps this is why the idea of basking in a summer love is so enticing.

Quote of the Day: 20090623

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."

- Joseph Campbell

You rest your bones somewhere far from my own.

Just a little. That's how much I missed him when walking around the lake today. During those winter nights, I often envisioned the both of us walking by the lake hand in hand on one of those beautiful summer days where a cool summer breeze would be blowing in the air. The sky would be bright blue, illuminated by the sun whose rays aren't beating harshly upon our skin because the puffy white clouds are reflecting them away.

Spent an entire day walking around downtown on Sunday with two special alcoholics in my life. A Little Taste of Italy. Kensington Market. Chinatown. Lakeshore. MMVA's. And back again. I really could have done without the crowd at the MMVA's. It was like drowning in a sea of people. It's not air you're breathing. It's carbon dioxide. People panicking left and right. Ridiculous, really. But it doesn't overcast the finer details. What a perfect way to spend the first day of summer.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
All the things I could have done with you that we could have done together, will just have to done with someone else. And maybe, it's better this way. After all, you can't be associated with every experience. You said so yourself.

And by the time I come around to doing these things, I'll no longer be thinking of you.

I'm sorry. I take that back. That was a little harsh.

Quote of the Day: 20090622

"A great book should leave you with many experiences, and slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading."

— William Styron

Quote of the Day: 20090621

"It is not enough for two people to find each other, it is also very important that they find each other at the right moment and hold deep, quiet festivals in which their desires merge so that they can fight as one against storms. How many people have parted ways because they did not find the time slowly to grow close to each other? "

—Ranier Maria Rilke

Don't believe it. Not for one second.

I think language is a beautiful thing. When reading what people write, I find it more aesthetically pleasing when people don't type in stupid. Sure. Slang might be cool, but I find it a little annoying when it becomes excessive. Only after you know the rules are you allowed to break them.

hOw aNNoyiN wUd iT b if i tyPeD lyK DiS aLL dA tYm?
^ Just looking at the above makes me want to vomit.


The movie "Marley & Me" made me cry during three specific parts. It made me think about what it'd be like to have a family. I know I'm young, but I also know that one day, I would love to have a family. When on my death bed, I couldn't say I have lived my life as thoroughly as I could without having one. I have dreams. And those dreams need fulfilling.

Quote of the Day: 20090620

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

— Maya Angelou

Quote of the Day: 20090619

"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Every time I think of you I get shot right through into a bolt of blue.

It's okay to cry. To let out every single ounce of frustration in tears. It just further proves you have a heart. Even if it is broken.



CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I found this while rummaging through my Quantitative Methods notebook today:

Monday November 3rd, 2008

"... I don't know why, of all people, he chose me... Sometimes I feel like reality has become a dream where everything is just too good to be true.

When he looks at me, I can't believe he's right in front of me. How did I become so lucky? What did I do to deserve someone like him in my life? I know we'll have our trials and obstacles to overcome, but like he said, "Together, we'll win."

Nothing this great is ever free. They come with a cost - their own sets of trials that test how you'll handle different situations. It can make your heart waver, or grow stronger with the one you're with."

It's a dream short lived that sent me into a nightmare. I was the opposite of lucky. I still don't know what I did to deserve someone like him in my life - more specifically what he did to me and what I allowed myself to go through because of the slightest glimmer of hope. "Together, we'll win." Only words. Empty ones at that - no matter how true they may have been. Nothing that great is ever free. I paid the cost. His heart had wavered.

Yes. I am more than capable of being a big ball of cheese, but the reason I'm posting this is to remember how happy I was with him, and to remind myself that just because we're no longer together, it doesn't mean I can't be happy - if not happier - with someone else.

Quote of the Day: 20090618

"Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you. I'd been broken beyond repair."

— Stephenie Meyer (New Moon)

Quote of the Day: 20090617

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak. NEVER let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage, deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you. A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals, look for someone complimentary not supplementary. Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always knows where you are and you're always readily available to him...he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others."

- Oprah Winfrey

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
Word.

P.S. I took this quote off of a friend's note on Facebook.

Little Darling, it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun and I say: It's alright.

I am so thankful to God. The beginning of the year was really rough for me, but I knew that if I kept on pushing forward and taking care of the present, He would surely take care of the future. And by placing all my trust in Him, He would help see me through the storm. After all, "there is no trial he would bring me to that he wouldn't bring me out of."

As of late, I've been struggling in trying to make ends meet financially. After checking my email this morning I received an email from the International Scholarship and Tuition Services notifying me that I have been chosen as a recipient for a scholarship that I had applied for back in February. I don't feel lucky, I feel both truly blessed and thankful. In a way, I feel like I'm being given a second chance and this time, I'm seeing more clearly.

En ce moment, life is beautiful and I ended to bask in this little bliss. You are free to join me.

Quote of the Day: 20090616

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

— Siddhārtha Gautama

You'd have me down on my knees wouldn't you, Barracuda?

There are so many things I would love to have. When I look around me, I realize that I already have enough. In that moment, I also realize that enough is plenty and in that, I find contentment.

Something I do not find contentment in is my growing desire for some TLC. It's a tough dilemma to want to partake in those activities and refrain from partaking in them while not in a relationship. I think about sex more often than not. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm dreaming about it. I dream about the build up - but to my dismay, that's where it always ends.

I spoke of this with Gonzo this morning. Apparently, I am a very sexually frustrated individual.

Thank you.

Quote of the Day: 20090615

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default." 

— J.K. Rowling

You are just as beautiful without make up.

I've just discovered foundation. I've known of its existence, but I was skeptical about ever using it. My favorite look is au natural because it's clean and simple and I believe that ladies should allow their natural beauty to show. Now I realize that the right foundation enhances beauty and lack thereof does not diminish it.

At Ulta, after Bobbi had finished applying i.d. Bare Escentuals Mineral Foundation to my face, I liked it so much I bought some for myself. The foundation also has SPF 15 which is an added bonus. It goes on light and one can definitely build the coverage to their preference. I personally prefer wearing less because less is more.



I am now a believer in foundation. I don't wear it often because don't want to grow so used to it that I'll feel ugly when I'm wearing no make up at all. Also, I like allowing my skin to breathe more often than once in a while.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
She stares him up and down, noting the detail and effort he put into completing his ensemble pour la jour.

"... You are so high maintenance," she says.
"Yes well, some of us actually like to look good," he retorts.


Self esteem is important. Wearing the right attitude is more important than wearing the right clothing.

P.S. When a lady takes off her make up at night, the woman you see is who she really is - flaws and all. To know she is beautiful in her imperfection, is her beauty perfected.

Plastic cards are dangerous.

I don't like being bored at the mall with nothing to do except shop. Especially when my card is in hand.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
"I still have feelings for him."

The more I say it, the less I believe it when I'm confronted by the simple question: Why?


Monday is Laundry Day. Time to start sorting out the dirty clothes! Tuesday is dedicated to Studying. Once I get my shelf (or two to be safe and avoid clutter) from Ikea, I'll dedicate a day or two to fixing my room. A place for everything and everything in its place.

Quote of the Day: 20090614

"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others." 

— Audrey Hepburn

Quote of the Day: 20090613

"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness." 

— Chuck Palahniuk (Diary)

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

Sometimes I strongly dislike this mouth of mine. In more ways than one.

It's such a tricky compromise. There are things I know I should keep to myself but can't if people need to know the entire story in order to understand how I feel and why I feel the way I do.

If I tell you something in the strictest confidence, I really hope you don't betray my trust. Otherwise, I don't think I could bring myself to trust you again.

I think I'm deliberately hurting myself when I look for or look at things I know would only make me feel bad. Yes, melancholy sweeps easily over me, but I'm also finding that the more I expose myself to the hurt, the pain involved grows smaller. I've also been trying to replace it with a different emotion.

I find it easier to be angry with someone. Then again, I don't like being angry. It's a double-edged sword. Being angry never solved any problems. It's better to forgive than to hold a grudge. I find that the two are inexhaustible, but the latter is does the soul good.

Anyways, I won't be making any sense if I don't get any sleep. So soon after having come back from my vacation from life, I'm pushed back into the deep end where school and work demand my attention. I'm not complaining. I'd rather be caught up in life than wallowing in my own misery. Pity parties would be the death of me - that is not the woman I want to be or be seen as.

As difficult as it may be, I love my life. [With or without you.]

Quote of the Day: 20090612

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." 

— Anaïs Nin

Quote of the Day: 20090611

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving." 

— Albert Einstein

Harpers Island Theories

I am hooked on Harpers Island. I have my Ate Nanie to thank for that. After watching episode 7, I'll finally be caught up. I might just buy this series when it comes out on DVD - it doesn't matter how gruesome it is. It makes for a good marathon. I wouldn't buy it because I'd already know who the killer is, but watching it the second or third time around would make it easier to look for clues that could have pointed to the real killer.

Right now, these are my current theories about who the potential killer may be and the reasons behind my speculation.

1. John Wakefield - Sure the Sheriff says he shot and killed John Wakefield, Yes, there is a body in the coffin at Wakefield's grave, but who's to say that that body is really Wakefield? After Abby, Henry and JD investigated the Sheriff's office, we saw postcards with "Liar" written on them from around the USA. We also saw a recent picture of Wakefield. Maybe, just maybe, he's still alive.

2. Jimmy Mance - Sometimes the "good" guy always ends up being the killer. It could possibly be Jimmy because he is unaccounted for at the time of all the gruesome events. There are two things that counter this argument. The first is that if Jimmy was always on the island, there is no way he could have committed the first murder. The second is that he was with Shane when "PSYCHO" was written across Shane's windshield with the deer whose throat had been cut out. The killings on the island have begun once Abby returned, and we learn from the first episode that Jimmy is an old flame. Also, in the latest episode, Jimmy got to the hotel and found everyone really quickly as soon as the lights went out. There is no reason to suspect him at all, and it's always these ones you have to watch out for - no matter how much of a heartthrob they appear to be.

3. Henry Dunn - I don't care how many good memories I have on an island, if people I loved were murdered there, there is no way in hell I'm returning to that island to get married. We know that Henry's parents are passed away so we don't know who his real father is. There have also been killings off the island similar to the Wakefield murders. Henry hasn't been living on the island for years and only returns to visit during the summer. Now that Abby, his best friend, is on the island again, the killing spree has started. If it is Henry, what is his motive behind killing Uncle Marty and his brother, JD and why would he want Abby dead?

4. Abby Mills - She could be suffering from a split personality at this point. She knows the island inside out. At the beginning of every episode we see a brief second of her mother hanging on the tree with her eyes open. Maybe it's a sign. She could possible be looking at Abby wondering why she did that to her. Also, since Abby hasn't been living on the island since the murders, she could have murdered all the people similar to the "Wakefield" murders off the island. Perhaps her dad, the Sheriff, knows she's suffering from and is blaming John Wakefield to cover her tracks. This theory is no fun, though.

5. It could be TWO killers working either together or independently.

Abby has a strong relationship with all the suspects. After reading other theories, I'm also beginning to think that Abby is Wakefield's illegitimate daughter. Abby's mother must have had an affair with Wakefield, or did have one - I forget. There are numerous motives Wakefield could have for killing her and wanting to kill Abby. The reason he's left the Sheriff alive all these years is so that he could suffer the loss of his loved ones. If Wakefield couldn't have Abby's mother and Abby, maybe he didn't want the Sheriff to have them either.

Whoever the killer is, he/she wants Abby dead. I'll have more speculations as the weeks go by. In any case, Madison scares me.

"But don't look back in anger," I heard you say.

Right now, at this very moment, I've found conviction in my reason as to why two people cannot be friends so soon after the end of their romantic relationship. One person has to hurt while the other one moves on as quickly as the relationship ended. Unfortunately, I drew the shorter stick.

Coursing through my veins right now is anger tinged by jealousy. I have nothing to be angry about. I definitely have nothing to be jealous of, but these emotions are triggered when my progression to recovery has been slowed. I'm angry that it's slowly coming to a halt. I'm angry that my recovery is taking so damn long. I'm jealous that happiness has temporarily slipped from my grasp.

Moving on would be such an easier task if my heart weren't so big. If I didn't have a heart, there wouldn't be one to break. My heart could just be cold and selfish, but it's not. I could be a real bitch - but that's not who I am.

I'm angry with Facebook myself. For being bored and clicking around from link to link. For seeing things I don't want to see but can't ignore. For allowing the past seep into my head and linger in my thoughts.

When is enough enough?

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
This past Sunday, at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, I knelt down before an alter and I prayed.

I prayed for many people. You were among those people, as was she. I prayed for the both of you. Why? Because I want you to be happy, I really do. I prayed for her because I hope she's the one for you. If she makes you as happy as I hope she does, I see no reason as to why the two of you shouldn't be together. With her, it seems to me that your life is moving right on schedule.

That's also why I can't bring myself to talk to you. Who am I to deny you the chance and a great relationship and her the happiness she deserves? Right now, I'm a piece of your past incarnate and I refuse to meddle, but if I stick around, that's all I'll feel like I'm doing and it's not my intention. After all, a fragment of my feelings for you still exist.

I feel it's better this way. It's better that we don't talk. I now know how much it hurt you to hear my voice over the phone all those nights of endless conversation. I know because I feel the hurt too.


The cards were right. That's a little scary.

Quote of the Day: 20090610

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." 

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

How can something that feels so right, be so wrong?

My dad brought me to work and parked inside the mall. He said he would wait for me while I wrote down my new schedule.

When I saw the store, it was almost unrecognizable. It was much bigger and the back room was huge! Walking in, I saw one of my coworkers and proceeded to give him a hug. I saw a lot of new faces. Apparently, my manager had hired thirteen new staff members - some of who were really snobby. When I finally looked at my schedule I saw that my hours had been reduced, yet again. It made me angry and I talked to one of my soon-to-be employers who suggested that I quit my current job and work for Victoria Jackson.

I wake up to my aunt barging into the room asking me if I'm going to the shop with them. Since she said they were leaving soon, that doesn't give me enough time to shower and get ready, so I decided to go back to sleep and dream again.

Before drifting off to sleep, I thougth a little bit about Harpers Island's couples and compared them to my nonexistent love life. That's when I started missing the intimacy of my past relationship. I thought about it some more and eventually succumbed to sleep.

I was with him. We we laying down on the sofa just like we always used to do. No words. He just began kissing me and - since it was only a dream - I kissed him back. At first I pulled away but he cradled my face in one hand and placed the other on my hip to draw me closer to his body. The passion was still there. I felt it burning and I allowed the flames to consume me. I surrendered to his touch and drew my arms around his neck and combed my fingers through his hair. I began unbuttoning his shirt while leaving a trail of soft kisses down his chest. I brought my lips back up to his and felt his manhood harden against my thigh.

After giving me attitude in his response to my rhetorical question in verbal foreplay, I stood up from the couch and just walked away. I wasn't about to deal with that shit - especially in a dream. I walked over to the bathroom and took a shower to cleanse my body of his caress.

Another wake up call. My cousin asks if I'll be going to the pool with them. Ten minutes isn't enough for me to get ready, so I passed up the opportunity to catch some sun. That is why I've written down these dreams in all their absurdity. I haven't dreamt in a while. You can blame lack of sleep for that.

I'll never understand why CBS cancelled such a great show.

Wal-Mart is awesome. I bought the first season of The Big Bang Theory on DVD for $20 US. I don't know how much it costs back in Canada, but I'll bet it's more expensive. While perusing around the TV on DVD section, I stumbled across Moonlight. Sad to say, it wasn't among my purchase. It was a little more costly, and I've already spent more than enough money here. If fate allows, Moonlight will be waiting for me the next time I visit good ol` NC. I'm still upset CBS made the stupid decision to cancel the show at only 16 episodes with loose ends hanging everywhere.

I don't know what it is that makes me so materialistic sometimes. I always feel that I want more, even though I know otherwise. As if I need all the new clothes and shoes. I'm not so big on jewelry, though. I don't like things that rust or tarnish. That's why I'm so selective with the jewelry (or lack thereof) that I buy. I've tried visiting thrift stores, but I seldom find any treasures.



Going back to television, another really good series that I've been hooked on is Harpers Island. It's a combination of drama, horror and suspense. Even though the genre may scream otherwise, it's a breath of fresh air from all the comedies I've been watching. It's new too, so it's easy to get caught up.

There's still more crap flowing through my brain, but I'll save that for a different post. I just feel I haven't genuinely updated in a while. Be prepared for a tsunami of blogs.

Quote of the Day: 20090609

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."

— André Gide

Quote of the Day: 20090608

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." 

— Bill Cosby

Quote of the Day: 20090607

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

— Oscar Wilde

Quote of the Day: 20090606

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

— Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi

A play on letters. The Letter R.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Rae
2. A four Letter Word : Real
3. A boy's Name : Raymond
4. A girl's Name : Raine
5. An occupation : Research Biologist
6. A colour : Rouge
7. Something you'll wear : Racerback Tank Tops
9. A food : Rainbow Sushi
10. Something found in the bathroom : Razor
11. A place : Rio de Janeiro
12. A reason for being late : Rush Hour Traffic
13. Something you'd shout : RUN, [insert name here]! RUN!
14. A movie title : Revolutionary Road
15. Something you drink : Rum
16. A musical group : Realm Music Group
17. An animal : Rabbit
18. A street name : Rose Alley
19. A type of car : Racecar
20. The title of a song : Reptilia by The Strokes
21. An Insult: Reject
22. Compliment: Radiant

I kiss better than I cook.

Whatever my cousin is cooking right now smells really good. Balgehakt. That's what it's called!



I felt spontaneous at the hair salon while Ate Nanie was getting her hair did. Maintenant, j'ai des coups. And choppier layers. I don't know if I like it yet. It'll definitely take some getting used to. Along with the getting used too, I'll need to buy some styling products to prevent all the frizz.

Pictures? Maybe when I'm used to the new look.

I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now.

My mind has been conjuring up a lot of really, really sinful thoughts as of late. I find it's growing to be quite unhealthy. It can be due to the combination of several factors:

1. Heat
2. Deprivation
3. Longing

I taught myself how to suppress these urges a long time ago. Then again, going back further than a long time ago, these thoughts never crossed my mind twice because they were just so foreign to me. Now, I'm a little bit of a fiend, but I only have one craving. I've never had such a strong yearning for someone's touch before. To have felt that touch and know my supply has reached it's poignant end is the addict going through withdrawal after having been forced to quit the drug cold turkey.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
"You're just going to take all my innocence, aren't you?"
"But I would never abuse it."

That's laughable.


The desire still burns within me. I'm waiting for the day the flames that burn for you disappear.

Quote of the Day: 20090605

"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits."

— Albert Einstein

This is a strange addiction.

LOOKBOOK sends me into a deep shopping/fashion frenzy it's almost disgusting.

Quote of the Day: 20090604

"We love the things we love for what they are."

— Robert Frost

Cocoa butter to prevent stretch marks during pregnancy?

Do NOT use cocoa butter to prevent stretch marks while you're pregnant. The caffeine in the cocoa butter is found to cause fetal heart problems as it is absorbed into the skin.

... After learning about this, I just thought I'd let you know.

I'm not a doctor, so I'm not one hundred percent sure about this. I've read different forums, and they all say different things. I'd just stay away from cocoa butter while pregnant and instead do pilates for pregnant women.

I used to hate to see you gone but this time it's different. I don't even feel the distance.

In light of recent events, I might not be able to go to the beach. I can feel my heart breaking. Instead, we're probably going to head over to Washington. I've seen Washington a million bazillion times. There's nothing new for me to discover there... unless I search for The Templar's Treasure like a nerd. If I do end up going, I'll probably read Abraham Lincoln's speech. I didn't care for it much the last time I read it because I was forced and was too young to grasp the importance of it. Anyway, I just realized that this is my first visit to the good ol` U.S. of A. since Obama became president.

This morning we went to the pool. I managed to catch some sun and I no longer look pale and sick.

I reread over my last entry. I take back what I said about my forty day mourning period. You can't set a due date for mending a broken heart. Sure, it doesn't hurt as much, but every memory is like a minor setback. Whatever. I refuse to settle for second best and I refuse to be another option. It was bad enough the first time around.

Make a decision. A precondition. We got the choice - if it all goes wrong we walk.

I am loving the hot weather here in North Carolina and cannot wait to play in the sun tomorrow. My skin is in desperate need of some color and I am in desperate need of a change.

Speaking of change, my "forty day mourning period" is finally over. I feel like I'm done grieving and ready to move on to bigger and better things in life. Since I've never been in this position before, I'll be taking baby steps before I start walking. This vacation is step number one.

The rest of the summer is going to be amazing. I can already feel it. =)

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
Lately, you have yet to cease making my blood boil. I'm sitting here, right now asking myself, why? But enough with the questions. I'll probably never get the answers I'm looking for and maybe it's better that way.

Stupid text messages. I really wish my cell phone was left at home where it's suppose to be.


P.S. Whenever I see this song on my iPod, I usually skip to the next track but since the journey was so long, I decided to give it a listen and ended up really liking it. So, you're going to have to listen to it and suffer as it is currently playing on my blog. We Walk - The Ting Tings.

Quote of the Day: 20090603

"When you really love someone... I mean Love someone... You can't just have part of them. You can't have half of their heart. It's never enough. It's not because you need more of their heart so you can get more from them... You need all of their heart so you can Love them completely."

- RealD

Quote of the Day: 20090602

"Never explain yourself to anyone. Because the person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you won't believe it."

- Unknown

If you've got problems, why don't you just solve them?

Before I left, I purposely left my cellphone at home because I don't want to be contacted via text messages and phone calls while on vacation. En plus, there are things on my cell phone that I don't want to see but can't bring myself to delete.

At our first pit stop, my aunt comes into the car with my cell phone and the charger. It turns out one of my uncles chased after us to give me my phone should I need in case of an emergency. It was just yesterday I wanted to take my phone and throw it against the wall. Today, I want to throw it in the ocean.

I'm in a hotel somewhere in Pittsburgh. It's hot. I like it.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I don't know how to put this. I'll just start somewhere.

I think you're being selfish. I actually find it quite childish. Your childhood insecurities do not excuse your present actions. You have these problems because you're not facing them. You think that by taking some time off, these problems will solve themselves and disappear as quickly as they came. Unfortunately for you, that's not how it works.

Whatever. Maybe I'm the one being selfish.

Where it is and where it stops, nobody knows. You gave me a life I never chose.

I seldom use the word "hate" but, I really hate being angry. Anger doesn't suit me. In fact, it's quite unbecoming.

If you know I wouldn't do something, trust that I will not do it. I know I do a lot of stupid shit, but sabotage is not one of them. If you've ever known my heart, you'd know at the very least that I have one. Thank you for reopening my wounds by your lack of trust.

From the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, from my the surface of my skin to the center of my bones, I am a good person through and through. I'm sick and tired of everyone taking advantage of that. I'm also tired of people assuming otherwise when they haven't even taken the time to get to know me. We can't all be perfect, but that doesn't mean we don't try to be the person we can be.

I'm leaving for the beach in a couple of hours. With any luck, I'll die in the ocean and come back a new person.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
Today would have been our seventh month together. Seven was always your favorite number. I don't know why, after all this time and all that I've been through, I'm still grieving over what we had.

This is pathetic. I should be over you. I should be over this. I should have started trying the very night you put an end to us. But here I am splaying my feelings for you all over my blog because I can't seem to get you and every memory associated with you out of my head.

I have never been happier with anyone else, but it is also true that no one else has ever made me feel so miserable.




I would like to spend some time in the desert and alleviate my soul of the burdens I carry within my heart. Once the hurt is gone, there can only be love.