"But don't look back in anger," I heard you say.

Right now, at this very moment, I've found conviction in my reason as to why two people cannot be friends so soon after the end of their romantic relationship. One person has to hurt while the other one moves on as quickly as the relationship ended. Unfortunately, I drew the shorter stick.

Coursing through my veins right now is anger tinged by jealousy. I have nothing to be angry about. I definitely have nothing to be jealous of, but these emotions are triggered when my progression to recovery has been slowed. I'm angry that it's slowly coming to a halt. I'm angry that my recovery is taking so damn long. I'm jealous that happiness has temporarily slipped from my grasp.

Moving on would be such an easier task if my heart weren't so big. If I didn't have a heart, there wouldn't be one to break. My heart could just be cold and selfish, but it's not. I could be a real bitch - but that's not who I am.

I'm angry with Facebook myself. For being bored and clicking around from link to link. For seeing things I don't want to see but can't ignore. For allowing the past seep into my head and linger in my thoughts.

When is enough enough?

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
This past Sunday, at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, I knelt down before an alter and I prayed.

I prayed for many people. You were among those people, as was she. I prayed for the both of you. Why? Because I want you to be happy, I really do. I prayed for her because I hope she's the one for you. If she makes you as happy as I hope she does, I see no reason as to why the two of you shouldn't be together. With her, it seems to me that your life is moving right on schedule.

That's also why I can't bring myself to talk to you. Who am I to deny you the chance and a great relationship and her the happiness she deserves? Right now, I'm a piece of your past incarnate and I refuse to meddle, but if I stick around, that's all I'll feel like I'm doing and it's not my intention. After all, a fragment of my feelings for you still exist.

I feel it's better this way. It's better that we don't talk. I now know how much it hurt you to hear my voice over the phone all those nights of endless conversation. I know because I feel the hurt too.


The cards were right. That's a little scary.