Quote of the Day: 20090531

"When you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true."

— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

Forget being a dentist and looking into peoples mouths, I'd rather look into the windows of their soul.

After practically being handed a job last Monday during my eye exam, it helped me come to one very important conclusion in this ambiguity I call my life - I'm going to become a doctor.

Today, I finished my last exam of the Winter semester. In light of my new personal discovery, I now have nine beautiful years of post secondary school to look forward to. Like Muhammad Ali said, "The will must be stronger than the skill." I know I have the skill to become an optometrist. It is my will that is being tested.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
May 25th, 2008.

I was sitting down in one of the pews when I saw you walk into the church with your girlfriend at the time. After mass I called out your name and you turned around to greet me with a friendly hug. We spoke very briefly. I didn't want to keep the two of you from your lunch date. After we said our good byes, a strange feeling came over me. I hadn't seen you in months prior to that accidental run in. I felt bad and more embarassed that the last impression I was leaving you with was one of a girl with braces who, on that Sunday, wore the wrong attire to church.

As soon as you were at a safe enough distance where my voice would be inaudible to your ears, I turned to my cousin and said, "Ate, I had such a huge crush on him back when I was in high school." After saying this, I smiled to myself because I knew that to be the partial truth. A fragment of those feelings still, for whatever reason, remained. At the time, I was so sure it was an impossibility, but I wished that one day I would be the one you took out to lunch, or be the one whose hand you held.

So much happens in just one year.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Baby Brother!

Quote of the Day: 20090530

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

— Theodore Roosevelt

Quote of the Day: 20090529

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

— Mark Twain

"You know what would make me really happy right now? If you got hit by a truck and died."

I was walking around a bridal boutique and was approached by a sales associate. She asked me what type of dress I was looking for and when I was getting married. For some stupid reason, I lied and said, "I'm getting married next June. I really like the Pronovias and Manuel Mota dresses. I know it's a little expensive, but I simply fell in love with the dresses the moment I saw them." Come to think of it, only the former was a lie. She then proceeded to ask me what I wanted the dress to look like. Lace, beading, sweetheart neckline, a-line cut.

Next thing you know, the entire store is helping me plan my wedding. I have someone choosing the groomsmen suits, someone choosing the china, someone finding a photographer and videographer, someone looking for a party bus - you name it. As great as it all was, I didn't know who I was marrying - nor did I get to try on a dress.

When I stood near the entrance of the boutique, I heard a man screaming as if he were being tortured. I ran to the door to see a crossing guard getting run over by a truck. If that wasn't bad enough, the driver put the truck in reverse and ran over him again. The crossing guard died.

P.S. I don't wish death up anyone, that title is a line from the movie "Mr. Brooks." It came into my head as I was typing the last part of my crazy dream.

Archie chose Veronica!? WHY!?

I don't even want to imagine what kind of heartache Betty must be feeling. Even though she's a fictitious character, I can't help but feel sorry for her.

Quote of the Day: 20090528

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

- Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this.

I. Hate. Exams. Every exam I write is another three hours of my life semi-wasted. I write "semi" because exams are not a complete waste of time if they help you receive that piece of paper worth thousands of dollars at the end of your school years with your name on it proving to the world that you do know something! ... I apologize if I make no sense. My mind is really elsewhere. Several places, in fact.

Anyway, I am absolutely sure I will pass all my courses. However, my performance this school year is something that will never happen again. I'll be putting on my seatbelt and going full speed ahead. I'll get to my destination soon enough, but I still want to enjoy the scenery.

I was right. I do not deserve a new pair of shoes.



Organizational Behavior. Effective Project Management. Beach.

When our hearts are full we need much less.

I've often dreamed of traveling the world for weeks (or even months) at a time with a single backpack and a DSLR. I would live a nearly penniless existence seeking beauty in every corner of the earth with my camera as my witness.

I should take that photographer up on his offer. Travel with him for a month or so for the sole purpose of taking photographs, carrying with us as little possessions as possible. I would meet new people and immerse myself in their culture. I would see places I would have never dreamed of. It would be a journey of epic proportions.

If only I could remember his name...

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
When I'm with you, I'll hold you in my hand. We'll go many places. We'll see many things. We'll go on adventures, you and I. All these things, we'll do together. I need you. Without you, I cannot legally drive.


P.S. Happy Birthday, Mom!

Quote of the Day: 20090527

“Remember that life develops what it demands - the toughest path creates the strongest warrior. Pray not for a lighter load, but for stronger shoulders.”

— Dan Millman

"Why the fcuk did I listen when you told me that?! Stupid!"

I don't need to hear it all the time. Nor do I need to hear at all. I don't expect it of anyone. I've heard those words a thousand times. They mean less than nothing to me when they're empty and hollow because they are lacking in the action that makes them true. When it comes from the people in my life who matter, I get a strong sense of gratification. Otherwise it's just noise to my ears.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
You tell me you see beauty that is who I am. I think you see otherwise.

You have seen my garden, but unless you have walked in it and treaded upon its soils taking notice of everything around you, you will never completely know that which you are missing.

---

On a different note, it's nice to know that once in a while, you spare a thought for me.



Thank you for the song currently playing in my blog. (Move On Up - Curtis Mayfield).

See, alone we stand, together we fall apart. Yeah, I think I'll be alright.

Yesterday, my soul felt good for the first time in a long time. Hours earlier I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions. Anger. Hope. Jealousy. Joy. Regret. Love. I cried. I laughed. I remembered. When the sun shone through my window, a calm came over me. For seconds at a time, I was at peace with myself. Although the contentment comes and goes, I'm beginning to see clearly and my wounds have begun to heal.

When I smiled, my heart smiled with me and for whatever reason, at that precise moment in time, I was truly happy.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
As much as the memories agonize me, it was nice to smile for a change while recalling them last night. Yes, they still pain me. Yes, I still think of you often. Yes, I still miss you. And yes, I will move on. Eventually. I just want to hold on to the memories a little longer until it the hurt subsides.

Quote of the Day: 20090526

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."

— Arundhati Roy

Quote of the Day: 20090525

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

— Saint Augustine

I never liked a sad look from someone who wants to be loved by you.

I found Jason Mraz on Blogger today. I jumped from blog to blog reading random perons entries. I read their thoughts, the events taking place in their life - everything. In each posting, they give a little insight into their life, how they feel and who they are. As anonymous and faceless as these people are, upon reading their words, I feel like I somehow know them. Their words echo everything I've wanted to say. They convey how I feel and/or have felt. In just a few sentences, I live vicariously through them because their lives are somewhat a reflection of my own.

It's funny, isn't it? How complete strangers can understand us as if they've known us our entire lives without trying and without knowing.

Quote of the Day: 20090524

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them. A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill."

- Muhammad Ali

I don't hate people. That's not right. I hate exams. With a passion.

Elements of Law (Business Law) Exam in 56 minutes. The joys of University and an extended school year.



Kill me.



Post Script: The last part isn't to be taken seriously. I love life. I just don't love exams.



C'est tout.

Put them comfortable shoes on, Darling. We have a long road ahead of us.

As much as I like the simplicity life offers, I'd much rather take the more difficult path. When it comes to growing up, I feel the difficult path is the better teacher.


As Robert Frost calls it, it is "The Road Not Taken." To take this road is to take risks. The destination is still the same, but the journey is far more rewarding. Don't be afraid to find things you never knew existed. I feel it is those moments, the good and the bad, the ones that shock us, whose occurrences have the most profound impact on our lives, that are the moments which make the journey worthwhile and give our lives meaning.

"I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference."

- Robert Frost (An Excerpt of The Road Not Taken)

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret

Why does life have to be so difficult? Because that's the way we make it out to be and that's just the way life is. Sure it can be difficult, but we don't have to see it in that light. Accept that it's difficult. Instead of complaining, choose to do something about it. Work through it and always push forward.

Quote of the Day: 20090523

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life." 

— John Lennon

H&M x Designers Against AIDS

I love this campaign. On May 28th, you'll find me at H&M scooping up a shirt or two. The one by Yelle in particular. I adore it to bits.

Yelle for H&M x Designers Against AIDS

I'll probably also pick one up from Katy Perry and/or Yoko Ono. Why not? It's for a good cause!



Read the full story here: H&M collaborates with major celebrities for Fashion Against AIDS.

I'm a host of imperfection.

Everyday, I'm appreciating myself more and more. I'm growing to become more comfortable in my skin. The beauty I have found within me shields me from any kind of insecurity I may feel when I know others are watching. I enjoy taking care of myself. I take care of myself because I want to. I've always tried changing myself in small ways to please others, but I'm done with that now. Everything I do now is for me, because in the end, I'm all I've got. Others can judge me, but that won't phase me. The only one whose judgement counts, is His.

People can think what they want to think because I know myself better than anyone ever will and it is only He knows me better than I will ever know myself. Take it or leave it.

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

— Mark Twain

^ There's another quote for you. =)

Quote of the Day: 20090522

"It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death."

— Eleanor Roosevelt

The stitches finally come off.

FINALLY. That was a waste of an hour of my life. The doctor was being such a douchebag. I felt more pain in my hand when getting the stitches removed than I did when getting them! I could've removed my stitches myself.



Want to know how it happened? Follow the link.
CLICK: It was an epic night before the blood began to pour.

I don't know where Donald went. I guess you'll have to do.

Yes. I used this picture already for a different post, I know. The proceeding are pictures from the same day. I just thought that the duck with the green head was just so beautiful. Or maybe it was just a beautiful shade of green.

Click the link below to see more pictures. They're just hiding behind a cut tag. Quack.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret

I woke up this morning, the sunshine was shining. I put on my happy face.

Evidently I was bored. It's so nice and pretty outside but the stupid baby powder the photographer made me put on my face is making my pores feel all clogged up. My passport pictures are ugly, so I decided to play around with Photo Booth on my MacBook to make up for it.

And YES, I CAN SMILE. Just because I have some rather depressing entries, it doesn't mean I'm not capable of smiling.

Quote of the Day: 20090521

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

— Robert A. Heinlein

CLICK: Another Unkept SecretIt was like that once upon a time.

Why does my nail polish smell?

Lately, I've been looking for ways to feel better about myself. One of those ways is painting my nails some bright color. I don't paint my nails often because I'm not allowed to have them painted at work so, whenever the opportunity arises, I cease it.

Right now, I'm in a "coral" phase. Not quite pink, and not quite orange. I'm hooked on Revlon's new nail enamel. #920 Make Mine Mango, to be exact! And when it dries, it smells fruity. I'm not in love with the fact that it's scented, but for the color. It makes me happy. I'm not the only one crazy about this collection. Apparently Clockwork likes it too! (What? I stumbled across her blog while looking for a picture of the nailpolish.)

Since my nails were already painted from trying on the different colors and determining which one to buy, I had to remove the nail polish when I got home. I learned two things. The first is that we had no more cotton balls. I wasn't about to use a Q-tip... Which led me to my second discovery: Pantiliners are a great substitute for cotton balls. It has more surface area and works just as well. Try it for yourself!

"Life is difficult."

The quote I used from M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled" came from a friend of mine whom I was on the phone with while updating my blog. Yesterday, after rummaging around Facebook out of boredom, I stumbled across the page of another friend of mine with a very inspiring quote.

"Only a relative and fortunate few continue until the moment of death exploring the mystery of reality, ever enlarging and refining and redefining their understanding of the world and what is true."

Being the nerd that I am, I Googled the quote and it turns out to be from the same book. After Googling it, I looked it up on Chapters to see if any of the locations relatively near me had any copies. Needless to say, I now have a new book added to my library.

I've only begun reading it, and will probably finish it tonight (even though I should really be studying for my Elements of Law exam this coming Saturday). The first twenty five pages have already been such eye-openers that I'm already looking forward to the rest of the book. It's definitely something to check out.

"Perhaps no book in this generation has had a more profound impact on our intellectual and spiritual lives than The Road Less Traveled. With sales of more than seven million copies in the United States and Canada, and translations into more than twenty-three languages, it has made publishing history, with more than ten years on the New York Times bestseller list.

Now, with a new Introduction by the author, written especially for this twenty-fifth anniversary deluxe trade paperback edition of the all-time national bestseller in its field, M. Scott Peck explains the ideas that shaped this book and that continue to influence an ever-growing audience of readers.

Written in a voice that is timeless in its message of understanding, The Road Less Traveled continues to help us explore the very nature of loving relationships and leads us toward a new serenity and fullness of life. It helps us learn how to distinguish dependency from love; how to become a more sensitive parent; and ultimately how to become one's own true self.

Recognizing that, as in the famous opening line of his book, "Life is difficult" and that the journey to spiritual growth is a long one, Dr. Peck never bullies his readers, but rather guides them gently through the hard and often painful process of change toward a higher level of self-understanding."

I saw the glass as being half full, but now the water's spilt everywhere.

I thought I was over this mess. Five weeks later and I still cry myself to sleep. The question is not whether the tears will stop (because they will), but when?



CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I was trying to sleep but my brain couldn't shut up, not for one second. I suddenly remembered everything. The memories triggered something inside of me that, for one of those seconds, erased any progress I've made over the past 29 days.

This is why I didn't even want to try falling in love. I took a risk and the entire time, I was playing with a losing hand. Everyone knew what was coming, but I chose not to listen. They turned out to be right and I was just being foolish in trying to prove them wrong because I believed in something that wasn't there. What I thought was faith was really stupidity in disguise.

Whatever. I should dry my tears. They're useless. I do not deserve this. I deserve better. So much better.


I'm opening the store tomorrow later on today and I'll have puffy eyes. Perfect.

I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut. Stupid stitches.

I disagree with the saying "snitches get stitches." Sure, it's a clever rhyme, but not everyone who get stitches are snitches. They could just be bitches. And yes, I can be a bitch - but I'd rather not show you that side of me unless you give me reason too. I'm all for making love, not war.

The doctor said to have the stitches removed within six to seven days. It's been two weeks. They're pissing the hell out of me. I'm seriously contemplating removing them myself. If I'm bored enough, I just might do it.

Quote of the Day: 20090520

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are."

- Paulo Coehlo (The Zahir)

All you need is love.

Help, I'm alive! My heart keeps beating like a hammer.

I have a big heart and a smaller brain. Perhaps it's not the best of combinations.

Relax, we're just having a discussion.

I don't understand why two (or in this case, three) adults can't have a normal conversation instead of a screaming competition. Anger levels rise and so do their tone. Frustration leads to tears and the train shows no sign of slowing down. Everybody just needs to relax. What started out as a discussion can stay that way.

Je me tiens en gaz et vous avez été la flamme.

Shit. This is getting annoying.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
It'd be easier if we never existed, but if that were so, I wouldn't have the memories that recapitulate our finest moments together. That is the compromise of hurting hearts.

I miss you and think of you often. Please, make it stop.

Speaking of the Grand Canyon...

Looking for a picture that resembled the canyon in my dream, I stumbled across something I found really interesting.

Now, people can walk 70 ft out into the canyon while walking on glass only 4 inches thick and 4000 ft above the Colorado River. 

It reminds me of the glass floor in the CN Tower. Other than hiking to see the Colorado River, walking on the glass skywalk of the Grand Canyon is definitely on my list of things to do before I die.

Link: Read the full story here.

Every second of the night, I live another life.

I'm stranded at the bus station waiting for a bus to come. It's late and dark outside. The bus finally arrives and I hop on. Instead of going home like a normal person, I take the bus to Goodwill because in my dream, they're open 24/7. I'm browsing around looking at peoples' unwanted clothes. I end up purchasing a vintage Chanel bag for $10. After purchasing the bag, I continue looking around.

In the middle of a pile of clothes, I find a really big, old looking book. I open it and start reading what's written on the pages. Upon reading the first several pages, I find that it's no ordinary book, it's his book. The pages are filled with love letters and sweet messages. I close the book and begin crying knowing that none of those words were meant for me as they once were. I place the book back down and walk away.

As I'm walking away, I bump into the girl who's meant to read those pages. As much as it hurts, I lead her to the book - after all, it's meant for her. Pat was sleeping at Goodwill that night and ripped a page out of the book, but the rest of the book seemed to be intact. After placing the book in her hands, I wake up.

Upset, I fall back asleep.

I'm at school pressing my ear against the wall listening to one of my former TA's talking to the professor. The conversations being held by the others in the room make it difficult to hear. Several minutes later, my former TA walks into the room surprised to see me. I sit down on the sofa and ask him how he's doing. He sits beside me and we begin touching upon random topics of conversation.

I look over my shoulder to find that we're in a place that looks like the Grand Canyon and the sofa we're sitting on is very close to the edge. He makes fun of me for being scared of falling until he looks over his shoulder and finds himself closer to the edge than I am. He stops laughing and instead, moves the couch further away from the ledge.

In the distance, there's a rock that looks like a giant hand extending past the ledge overlooking a breath taking view of the canyon and the river that runs between the crevice. People called that rock "God's Hand" because even though a fall from the rock would prove fatal to anyone, no one would fall because "God will hold you safely in the palm of his hand." I thought it was interesting.

My former TA and I begin walking around campus (I don't know how we ended up back at school). To my surprise we're walking arm in arm and holding hands. The sun was shining and the sky was a bright blue, and I felt a little happier than I've been in days. He drops me off at Accolade East where Sarah's been waiting for me.

She tells me to get dressed for the Beauties of Asia 2009 pageant. She had a dress for me waiting in the washroom, but decides that we should probably eat first. We walk to the Tim Horton's in Williams Small and a creepy old guy begins complementing one of the people we were with telling him he should become a model. "Don't flatter yourself," Sarah says to him, "he says that to everyone."

I go to the washroom, but I can't find the dress. Instead, I find a little laboratory and begin mixing different compounds to make my own perfume. I can't smell anything, but I continue mixing anyway.

Fin.

"I'm saving myself for marriage," she says. "Or, I'll at LEAST try my best to do so!"

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret

She forgets her cellphone on her bed. He follows her to her room to retrieve it. Past the threshold, he takes a good look around and breathes in her scent.

Downstairs, he turns to her and says, "I like being in your room. Why are we always in your basement?"

"Because..." she says, "there are a lot of naughty things I would love to do with you and we might just do them if I find myself alone with you in my room for extended periods of time - especially since you come over so often."

"So? What's wrong with that?"

She meets his eyes and holds his gaze. "Everything."

I... really don't know where that came from.

Remember that boy band B4-4? It wasn't until last night that I watched "Video on Trial" and noticed just how dirty their song "Get Down" is. Seriously, check the lyrics out for yourself. I can't believe they were marketed towards such a young age group. Creepy. I'm still trying to get over the fact that a point in time existed when I knew this song and sang along.

The type of mileage that widens your eyelids.

I'm going to write this out before I forget... and before I fall asleep.

This morning I had a dream within a dream.

I dreamt I was on a beach at sunset. I played in the blue ocean water while the sun was setting in an orange and pink sky. I allowed the myself to be swallowed by the waves, moving with the current and being brought back to land. I knew I was dreaming, and so I walked into the ocean until my entire body was submerged in the moving waters and I looked around me. I could still breathe, but I couldn't see anything except the last traces of light from the sun. When the ocean spat me back out onto the shore, I felt my upper left canine tooth begin to loosen. "At least this is only a dream," I remember thinking to myself.

Virginia Beach 2006

I woke up in another dream. For some reason, I woke up in someone else's house. My friend, Catherine, asked me what was wrong. I told her I had a dream that my tooth was falling out only to find that my tooth really had fallen out. It was followed by another tooth, and another. I began crying thinking about how expensive my braces have been and how I had nothing to show for it because of the fact that I was missing three teeth.

I went to the washroom and stared at the three teeth in my hand, wondering how they could have possible fallen out.

I wake up. Again. This time, I'm awake. The first thing I did was touch my teeth with my tongue. Thank God! My teeth are still in my mouth. And hopefully is stays that way. Forever.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I keep having dreams within dreams. It's pretty crazy.

I think the ocean is calling to me. I hear the waves calling out my name and beckoning me towards it. I would love to walk around on the beach in my bare feet and feel the cool water brushing against my skin. I want to bathe in the suns rays. I want to play with the waves and undercurrents. I want to feel the adrenaline that comes after being tackled by waves taller than I am. I want to walk away feeling a little more content with life.

Perhaps I'll be able to do so after I finish my exams. I think a little hiatus and a visit to the beach will do my soul some good.


P.S. Apologies for the less than lovely photo. I was using a 2.0 megapixel camera. Talk about ancient. Good night.

Quote of the Day: 20090519

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." 

- M. Scott Peck (The Road Less Traveled)

Quote of the Day: 20090518

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

— Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret

I feel the same can be said about relationships in general because even if you do "love" someone, you can still be unhappy in love. Maybe that's why someone who loves their friend as more than a friend find themselves content in their friendship even though they sometimes feel that they want to be more than friends. Run on sentence much? Whatever.

A little rain never hurt anyone - unless you're the Wicked Witch of the West.

"El Trompo" in Kensington Market.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret



1. We've been friends since second grade. That's why she's the best.
2. "I'm going to take a bitchy picture. Don't smile!" "But it's hard not too!"

You were a child, crawling on your knees toward it.

In this morning's dream, I was taking care of an elderly woman. On our way inside a bookstore, we meet an author who just recently published a book. Upon seeing her, the elderly woman scowls and insists on going inside the store. After bringing her inside, I rush back outside to ask the author to sign my copy of her book. Instead of signing it with a signature, she draws a picture with her black felt pen and the picture becomes a moving picture in vivid color - almost like a little film.

After signing it she says to me, "You saw it too, huh? It's funny that I should draw this picture for you. It's what I saw before I began writing my book. All you need is a little inspiration."

Feeling a little tripped out, I walk back inside the store to find the woman I was taking care of. My supervisor yells at me for not staying with her and tells me to take her to her room. After taking her to her room, I come back downstairs where several little children are putting on a play for the people in the library. Their play was really a ritual, but to carry it out, a life had to be forfeit. It was between the dog or the baby who (coincidentally) shared the same room with the elderly woman. After realizing this, I rushed to my feet yelling for someone to pass me a stethoscope to hear the dog's heart with and a phone to call emergency in case of a death.

It turns out the kids couldn't finish performing the ritual. The dog was alive. The baby was alive. All was good.

Still in my dream, I'm wondering why my alarm didn't go off. I figured I should wake up and check the time so I wouldn't be late for work. I wake myself up, look at the time on my cellphone and jump out of bed.

"Shit," I say to myself. "I'm late!"

Quote of The Day: 20090517

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world."

- Albert Einstein

When it rains on this side of town, it touches everything.

I wish I didn't have to, but I wasn't given a choice.

---

Churros are delicious. I'd have preferred it if they had been freshly made, but I'm not complaining. They definitely satisfy my sweet tooth in a way ice cream never will.



Now that I've moved back into my room (which, by the way, is still disorderly but getting better), I've been feeling like adding to the bare walls, to unpacking the final box and really just claiming it as my own. After all, most of the time I spend at home is spent in those four walls.

If I could travel across the world, the secrets I would tell.

Something extraordinary happened today. My mother finally began acting like a mother towards me again.

During the car ride home, she asked me how he-who-will-remain-anonymous and I were doing. I don't know if her words were out of curiosity or empathy, but the sentiment of her gesture meant a lot to me - even if she did take part in the break up. I think she was trying to comfort me - something she hasn't done in years.

"He only said that to you because he cares," she says. "She's probably just temporary. Maybe he's waiting for you. Maybe he'll come back to you when you're more mature and graduated from university because you're still young. You can never forget your first love. I know you still care about him. Pick up the phone when he calls, it's okay to talk to him. After all, since he's calling you, it means he wants to talk to you."

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
That's not what she was saying 6 months ago. She's humming a different tune. Maybe she's finally starting to learn how much I care about him, but it's too little too late because it doesn't matter anymore.

As for the "You never forget your first love" deal, I wouldn't hold my breath and call what we had love. It's the rose that did not bloom because it died before it could.


Although she was trying to instill some kind of hope in me, it was a fail. All hope vanished on Thursday April 24, 2009.

It could have been because we were actually having one of those "mother-daughter" moments I thought she wasn't capable of. It could have been because there's a fragment of me that still misses him. It could have been both. Whatever the reason, I began to cry in front of her. I let my guard down. And for the first time in a while, I felt human again.

Quote of The Day: 20090516

"The human heart is a strange vessel. Love and hatred can exist side by side."

- Scott Westerfeld

Blame it on the goose, got you feelin` loose!

I'd just like to state the following fact:
I am not an alcoholic.

Sure, my last post makes me appear as one, but I assure you I am not. I'm just a woman who enjoys my occasional beer, cocktail, wine and spirits - and surely there is nothing wrong with that. If you think otherwise, you can take that issue up with my dear friend, Gonzo.

Alcohol does wonders. In excess, you vomit and suffer the joys of a hangover. In moderation, you're induced to a state of bliss - at least I am! I still remember every detail of every night I've drank, but the beautiful thing about alcohol is that it helps me forget the details I don't want in my memory.

No, you don't need alcohol to have a good time. When it comes to drinking, you always have the option of refusal. It's your choice, really.

Happy drinking! Cheers!

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
The picture I used for this post is the alcohol Robbie B. bought J. Dean for his twentieth birthday. No, we didn't finish it. ^_^


P.S. Alcoholics aren't bad people as long as they're not beating you or endangering anyone's life. I know a few, and they are some of the coolest people I know.

Quote of The Day: 20090515

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."

- Nicholas Sparks

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret

Reading this makes me feel a little bit better. Words can mean little to nothing unless one's actions back them up. I need to keep that in mind. Always. Maybe it'll make letting go a little easier to do.

It was an epic night before the blood began to pour.

It happened Saturday May 2nd, 2009 at The Drake Hotel for Mr. J. Dean's twentieth birthday.

Half a bottle of Hypnotiq, three shots of Grey Goose Vodka, a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, a Polar Bear, three Irish Carbombs, and a pint of Creemore beer win you a trip over someone's foot, bruised legs, a shattered glass on the floor, a deep cut in your now bloody right hand, two bandages, a trip to the hospital from your bestfriend's boyfriend, three hours in the ER, five stitches, an angry father, and work in four hours.

I was more upset that I had to leave than the fact that I got a cut. Over the week, I became more upset that I had to miss a day of work because my hand was still in pain. [I use that word a lot, don't I? Pain.]

Want to see colored photos? Follow the link.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret



1. Taken several hours after having gotten the stitches. You can still see the blood on my hand.
2. Taken Friday May 7th, 2009. No more blood, but still in the healing process.


No I wasn't drunk. I just had a very, VERY good buzz going on... until it was killed by that shard of glass.

Nowhere else to go, but I'm so scared to stay.

I find that mending a broken heart is similar to healing the hand on which you've received stitches after a drunk night out with your friends. Let me tell you how...

Your hand hurts like a bitch. Even the simple action of making a fist causes pain, but you know that the pain is something you must endure if you want to get the strength back in your muscles. Close. Pain. Open. Pain. You persevere and the pain becomes almost like second nature. You begin not to feel it until one day, even though your hand is still healing, it's able to function as if the cut and five stitches aren't even there.

Your heart hurts like a bitch. Even the simple action of ignoring him or hearing his voice over the phone causes pain, but you know that the pain is something you must endure if you want to love again. No communication. Pain. Random phone call. Pain. You persevere and the pain becomes almost like second nature. You begin not to feel it until one day, even though your heart is scarred, it's able to love as if it had never been broken.

All your sex and your diamonds.

I'm trying to clean this mess I call my room while trying to make sense of the mess I call my life.



CLICK: Another Unkept Secret



Clothes. Dirty Laundry. Books. Paper. MacBook. Jewellery. Chocolate. Vodka. Oil Burner. Shopping Bags. DS.
- Actually, more of an unkept room.

"To dream anything you want to dream - that's the beauty of the human mind." - B. Edmonds

I'm in a parking garage. It was someone's birthday - I forget who. I was hanging out with Macoy and Thilak waiting for Lomboy to bring the presents. When she arrived, she brought three presents - one of which she wrapped in paper mache and painted it so that it looked like a fire truck. Out of nowhere, there were a bunch of blue helium filled balloons I had to tie to the railing so that they wouldn't fly away. I remember thinking that the yellow ribbon I had used clashed with balloons in terms of color.



It begins to rain. Amanda, Hannah and I are under a shared blanket watching television while waiting for the rain to stop. In comes Pat.

"I don't like your blog," he tells me. "I can't believe you mentioned ______ like that. Now people are going to start googling her."
"It's okay, I didn't mention her by name. Don't worry. And thanks for the critique."

As the rain continues to fall over my head, so does a state of melancholy. I felt very sad without reason and Amanda was there comforting me. She walked me to the washroom to freshen up where I began trying on a wedding dress. Two wedding dresses. The first one looked like it was from a Pronovias collection. Beautiful. The second was given to me by an old lady who wore the dress to her wedding. It was lacy and had a pink hue to it. I wasn't really a fan - mainly because of the pink hue and the fact that it made me look fat.

After changing back into my regular clothes, I enter another room to find myself standing face to face with a "friend". There were two of him. The first looked just how I remembered him before I began crying myself to sleep at night. He stood there wearing that smile of his I always loved seeing him in. The second version of him was thinner and more unkempt. I didn't know the second one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to put you through what I did. There was just so much going on. I thought if I moved on with her, it would help me forget you. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Please forgive me... I need you...I want to be with you."

I took him into my arms and he held me in his. I whispered forgiveness in his ear and kissed him softly on the cheek. I began to cry as I remembered all the times he made me smile and laugh. "I'll always be here for you, but I can't take you back. I'm sorry." With that said, I let him go.

I walked around, tears streaming down my face, looking for something to drink. I didn't find anything, but I did find Gonzo. He knows where the drinks are. He always does! We walked to the bar at Riva and he ordered two pints of Kronenbourg 1664. We sat down at one of the tables as I began drinking away the hurt in my soul.

Afterwards, I went outside and planted my bare feet in snow. A child playing on the street asked me if I felt cold at all. "No, I don't feel anything," I told him.

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I do not know why "two" seems to be a recurring theme.

It's strange how the latter part of the dream resembles the events that took place last Friday. No, he-who-will-remain-anonymous did not say those things to me, but after seeing him I needed a drink and so I quickly left the lounge. I couldn't quite handle seeing them together. Not yet, anyway. That same night, although it was his birthday, Gonzo was nice enough to buy me a pint.

The more I think about it, I think seeing two wedding dresses and two of he-who-will-remain-anonymous is symbolic of the past and the present. There is the current dress and the vintage dress. There is the person I knew so well and the person I barely know. Why am I seeing each in the same dream? I don't know. I do know that at one point in time, I did want to marry him - but that ship has sailed and is nearing the horizon.

"Something old, something new. Something borrowed, something blue." All present.

Quote of The Day: 20090514

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Monroe

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
I've also always believed that everything happens for a reason. I need to learn how to let go. I'm still waiting for the better things to fall together.

Give me sympathy after all of this is gone.

I bought two dresses today. Two of the same dress. Two different colors. And what for? After this terrible ordeal, even my money doesn't want to stay with me. It keeps looking for excuses to leave.

Where is the middle?

Last night while on updating my blog and reviewing Facebook, I was unknowingly picking at a tiny scab on my left knee. I usually don't pick at my scabs because the skin often becomes discolored. Now I'm kicking myself in the foot every time I see that abnormal, light patch of skin!

Today, at Rogers, I noticed that when it comes to purchasing a cellphone, my father is hopeless. Then again, I am too. Merde. It's genetic.

"Let's go to Coles!" said Gladjieh as we were perusing around the mall trying to kill time. While looking around the tiny bookstore, I found the Harlequin Romance novel that features a friend of a friend of mine on the cover. I remember Del Re mentioning she was on a cover of one of the novels of said series when we were at Chapters shopping for her birthday gift. He spoke of her often when revisiting memories of drunken nights that he somehow managed to remember. I've met her a couple of times and though I may not know her very well, I do know that she's a beautiful person - on both the inside and out.



* Try this out on Facebook: ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A ENTER
Just push the corresponding keys when you're on your homepage and click around. Happy clicking!

Therapeutic shopping is a double edged sword.

... Unless, of course, you have money.

I. Cannot. Sleep.

My internal clock is officially messed up. I'll be wanting to shoot myself in the foot later on in the morning when I force myself to wake up for work. It really is too bad because I love sleeping and I love to dream.

...To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life...

- Shakespeare (Hamlet)

Quote of The Day: 20090513

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

- Mahatma Gandhi (An Autobiography or The Story of My Experiments with Truth)

CLICK: Another Unkept Secret
The strong can forgive because it takes a great deal of strength to pardon one who has wronged you. It is also true that it takes the same amount of strength, if not more, to ask for forgiveness when we have wronged others.

My heart is yearning, but Paris is burning.

Je veux voyager en France. Je ne peux pas rappeler ma derniere visite parce que j'etais si jeune. J'aimerais retourner. Je retournerai la un jour. Je promis.

Mon Francais est horrible, je sait.

"I just don't get what happened."

We shared a beautiful winter together. December has always been good to me. Somewhere along the lines of our ill-fated relationship, we both became unhappy in our own ways. I wasn't what you needed, nor could I be. Everything we had ignored for so long had finally caught up with us.

I'll admit that being so quickly replaced felt like a slap in the face. I thought that if I lied to myself, it would ease the pain of the discovery. It didn't. As soon as I pushed the end button on the phone, I knew it was more than just the end to our conversation. I began to sob uncontrollably as you placed the finishing touch on my broken heart. I didn't sleep that night. I resolved that the only way I could begin healing was to remove you from my life until I was well enough to allow you back in.

As much as I'm hurting, I know the hurt isn't here to stay. Right now, I may be a bit bitter, but I'm not cold. Though it may not have been your intention to hurt me, the pains I have suffered by your actions do not diminish how much I still care about you. That is why I want you to be happy. Not because "I'm happy if you're happy," but because you deserve happiness, and so do I.

We'll be friends. Someday.

A summary of the months.

It was cold that night. You kept me warm.
You and I. We were close. So close.
The days grew colder. As did you heart.
And we became distant.



So distant.

Edit: I'm not yet satisfied with this, therefore, it is not quite finished. I don't know if I'll ever finish this one. There's something extremely lacking in the form. My emotions do this no good.

Quote of The Day: 20090512

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square hole. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

- Apple Computer Inc.

Yes, I scoop ice cream.

I dreamt I was at work. A customer comes in and asks me for a scoop of Mocha Double Double on a regular cone. I hand him his ice cream. At that moment, I realize that I forgot to place the signature chocolate on top. He holds his ice cream out for me, and on goes the chocolate. "Thank you," he says, "what a big scoop!" and proceeds to turn the cone upside down to eat the cone first. It's not a DQ Blizzard. The ice cream falls on the floor. What a douche bag.

As I'm cleaning the spilt ice cream off of the floor, a band comes into the store and begins setting up. I hear them rehearsing Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar. I look up and I see Ryan Seacrest telling me to remind the camera men to record continuously because the song is filled with a lot of positive messages about staying in school. The song begins. A girl with blonde hair and pink highlights (she pretty much looked like Avril Lavigne) takes the microphone and she sounds just like Hayley Williams from Paramore.

Thomas, listen. Listen...

There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming. Take care.